North vs. South

Thank God I’m a Country Boy

Have you ever judged almost every single person around you at a particular moment? I have.

I went to a small Kip Moore concert on Long Island last week and I think everyone got confused and thought it was Toby Keith. Let me tell you- American Flags flying in the parking lot. Cowboy boots and hats alongside denim skirts and American flag bandanas. Quite frankly, I was embarrassed for these people. They were all poor and trying too hard to be southern. Like calm down. We all love America as much as the next person, but we don’t need to parade around in a flag to show that. We don’t need to use country music concert to do that either.

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If you haven’t lived under a rock for the past year, you have probably noticed that America and country music have become more popular in the northeast. This means more concerts, more flags, and  more jorts on dudes.

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There is a fine line between getting in the spirit of the concert you are attending and going overboard. By all means, wear your cutoffs with boots and a tank- what we are trying to avoid are dresses made of bandanas. Don’t pretend that this has been you your whole life. No one in the Northeast listened to Jake Owen as of like a year and a half ago. Be real. Admit to the reality of your fleeting country obsession.

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They ain’t tryna be no one

Southern people play the country card right, they don’t act like they’ve been waiting to see Blackberry Smoke. What it comes down to is that southern people understand that these are country concerts and not costume parties. That’s what frat parties are for.

I couldn't resist this picture

I couldn’t resist this picture

It’s not 1980, but we still love coke

If you’re young, white, and affluent, the chances of you being surrounded by cocaine are pretty high. This doesn’t mean that you are necessarily doing lines with all of your besties before you go out, but like if you wanted to- you could.

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Cocaine is like scary as shit- people get like creepily into it creepily fast. It might have to do with the fact that cocaine is the ultimate status symbol. Like yea if you’re poor and gross- cocaine isn’t cool, but if you’re skinny and pretty- you just look like a rich betch. Getting caught with a little weed in your bag is kinda grimy, getting caught with meth on you is alarming, getting caught with heroin is so grunge 90s, but getting caught with cocaine doesn’t have too many downsides. Like yea, it isn’t commendable but yet again you just look like you’re trying to party and are doing it in the bitchiest way possible.

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Everyone loves a good cocaine scandal, but northerners and southerners approach them differently

A northerner who loves a little nose candy would obviously share it with the world. This wannabe socialite would bring up coke every chance that they got. They would jokingly deny their love for cocaine and then ask you to go to the bathroom with them and offer you a line. Not only do they love talking about how great coke is, but they also want everyone around them to do it. Maybe its that catholic guilt or maybe they think true friendship is born with a hundred dollar bill grazing over a mirror. Either way, this coke fiend wants to look like Kate Moss and wants everyone to share their high. Why would a northerner do coke if they couldn’t scream about it off the top of the Empire State Building??

Hundos? Euros? Who cares?

Hundos? Euros? Who cares?

On the other hand, a southerner could be overdosing in their bedroom and no one would ever hear a peep. The southern coke culture is a tad bit quieter. The southern ladies and gents, who love lines as much as they do slavery, could gossip about their old sorority sisters and fraternity brothers that would do lines every time they left their rooms all day, but never would they reveal any evidence of their own affinity for yayo. I could practically guarantee you that there is a southern couple out there that “parties” every time they go out socially, but neither one know about the other. Why reveal your own wrongdoings when you could out others? Cocaine is still just as fun to talk about below the Mason-Dixon line, but just not in the same sentence as “me” or “I.”  How would a southern belle fit into her size 0 Lily Pulitzer if it wasn’t for her nose candy?

Whether you reside in the north, south, east, or west and have a bank account- you can find coke. If you have to look too hard, you’re probably doing something wrong.

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xx Da Princess

Northern Parents in the South

So what happens when your psycho northern father comes to the Greenbrier for Easter weekend? Teary eyed resort employees.

Wild and Wonderful

Wild and Wonderful

Here are a few of the best lines from our visit in West Virginia so far. (We arrived at 2 pm.. it is now 11)

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1. You are the first person that has been nice to me all day.

2. You’re burnt out

3. WHY CAN’T YOU HEAR ME????

4. You must be freaked out that I’m paying in cash- people don’t use cash anymore

5. SNACKS?! I was told you would be serving lunch. Why did we even come here?

6. You’re going to treat us like crap- we are your last table of the night

7. You don’t have a 3x??! So you’re telling me to eat a carrot?

8. They automatically add 20% gratuity- I’ll throw him a new extra dollars.. Don’t want anyone calling me cheap around here

9. **To sales associate** I am going to cut my daughter off and make her shop at Kohls

10. This hotel needs to be redone

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So if for one minute you wondered why I say the things I do and act the way I do.. you shouldn’t because this is my father. He doesn’t mean any of this to be harmful (for the most part).

I know that the south has softened me when I have to quietly whisper to my father that he has to act a little more gently around the southern folk… who am I????

I’ll keep YALL posted. DP

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Just chomping away in the North

A little anecdote to explain how my world gets rocked everyday by these southern gals.

So I’m just sitting in the creek piece (my residence) just chomping away on some Orbit or god knows what. Just chomping chomping chomping. My headphones are on so its not like I can hear a damn thang. I am also aware that I am not in public, so therefore, do not need to demonstrate any sort of social graces.

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This is when my roomie starts to chuckle. And I’m all like I know I’m amusing, but why now?? And she’s all like I don’t chew gum. At this moment, my jaw drops and the gum falls out. Like WHAT?!?! Gum has been my favorite food group since like 5th grade when I realized that garlic is not your friend when trying to score a “boyfriend.” So she goes on to explain that she wasn’t allowed to chew gum as a child and that is very common in the south to not be allowed to chew gum, “unless it is on the roof of your mouth and not going anywhere.” I thought the south wasn’t a nazi regime, but okay. Apparently, it is regarded as very rude and impolite to chew gum publicly (or privately).

It makes a lot of sense when you think about it, but usually you don’t think about it and just chew ya gum. This definitely explains the invention and success of altoids and creepy listerine spray.

This might also explain why northerners tend to be sneaky AF. Northernerz, don’t tell me that your entire K-12 education wasn’t consumed with trying to sneak gum during school without getting caught, that was just embarrassing.

Is there harm in gum chewing??

Is there harm in gum chewing??

Then again, Southerners had to deal with stealing their dad’s moonshine….

For all of you retards, this is how you make moonshine

For all of you retards, this is how you make moonshine

Just smoking some cigs… like its 1980

This is a throw back thursday.. kinda.

It is 2013, there is no reason to be a smoker if you were born after 1985. It seems to me that it is impossible to contract a smoking addiction when it is most likely that your grandparents quit smoking, your parents don’t smoke, and your siblings don’t have a nicotine addiction. Also- those creepy PSAs are too much to handle. It is safe to say that the only people who smoke sober today are recovering heroin addicts who need some sort of addiction to survive. While you may think that this is a cigarette-bashing party… it is not. I am only saying that having a smoking addiction seems rather difficult and that you went out of the way to get emphysema.

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What I am actually trying to say is that smoking is a very social thing and a very socially accepted thing in the south. While it is uncomfortable to watch people smoking on campus between the hours of 7am until 10pm, while out at a party- its all fair game. Cigarettes can foster friendships. Don’t tell me that you don’t feel a little badass when smoking a cig with your new gal pal. Cigarettes can also start relationships. What is a better flirting tactic than bumming a cigarette off a cute boy? I don’t know, nothing.

Pack of Cigarettes

This is one of the reasons that the south can remain part of the United  States. While it is socially unacceptable to smoke in the north, unless you are really a fringe member of society, in the south, smoking is cool, accepted, and appreciated, when out and trying to have a good time. This may be because the Nazi regime (aka the North) has so many taxing on cigarettes that they are ~$10 a pack- ew like 10 packs later and you are out a pair of lululemons. While in the land of the free and the home of the Confederate flag lighters, you can score a pack of cigs for like $5. So casual to just buy a pack before going out. That’s what I’m talking about.

We are all nostalgic about the times when smoking was betchy af and skinny bitches like Betty Draper smoked all day long without the need to eat. Ahhh it was all fun and games until mom winds up in the hospital.

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We are even nostalgic for a more recent time, the 1990s. This is when Carrie Bradshaw ruled New York. The sex was free, the people were cold, and the cigarettes were cheap.

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A tribute to Winter (gear)

While I am slightly confused that we are still getting the occasional snow down here in the south, it is March and Spring is upon us. It is time to fold away those corduroys, cozy sweaters, patagonia gear, and most importantly that ridiculously expensive ski/winter gear. Yeah, you feel like you wasted your Dad’s money on a jacket that you wore a total of 10 times, but like what’s the point of having money if it isn’t to get expensive shit that is only useful 4 months out of the year??? (Also- you probably don’t even ski!!) As you get ready to take your pastel clothing out of storage, you get a wave of nostalgia. You look back on all of those weekend days you wasted in bed finishing tv series and reflect. You reflect on all of the superfluous things you bought to keep to warm in bitter winter weather while you avoided going out in that weather at all costs. This includes a Moncler jacket..and vest, those cute little Burberry earmuffs that you realized you didn’t want as you were walking out of Bloomingdales with them, that darling fur vest that is just so trendy, and of course some sorel boots that actually might be the only practical thing you bought all season.

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If you are from the North, you understand the importance of winter gear. This is because there is a slight chance that you will actually need it. This means that you should milk the snow bunny attire so as long as you can. Your dad may not want to buy you another bikini, but you NEED a new cashmere scarf for your health!

Who cares how much that hat costs?? That might be the cutest thing ever

Who cares how much that hat costs?? That might be the cutest thing ever

 

First off, people from the south don’t even know what expensive winter gear is. I mean I understand that they don’t need it, but everyone needs to know the names of expensive shit. You can’t be harshly punished for being dumb, but not understanding why people buy monclers, is beyond me. Like I don’t care if you are a billionaire, you know that spending that kind of money on a jacket is probably one of the biggest wastes of money-but who cares??? Everyone needs to understand that buying expensive things IS A WASTE, but is COMPLETELY NECESSARY.

You follow??

RIP Winter 2013 (almost.. this one is dragging on for a bit)

Da Princess 

PS- I googled snowbunny to get some pics of some chicks with furry winter headbands and some big moonboots- I guess I didn’t know what a snowbunny was  because there were pictures of one too many naked rednecks in the snow…………

The District

DC, not diet coke, but Washington D.C. is not only a very very chachy place, but it is probably one of the most confused places in America.

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Is DC in the North or South??? Before you think you know – let me tell you what the answer is, both. The DC population finds it very convenient to be from the North when they want to seem worldly and like a b0$$ and they are from the South when they want to act warm-hearted and like they are a part of civilized society. Talking business- north, talking deb balls- south. I think you can get the picture. This goes for the rich white people in DC.

$$$$$$$$

$$$$$$$$

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 I cannot tell a lie, I do not know anything about the poor black people in the SouthEast corner of DC, so I don’t know which region they consider themselves from, but I can probably conclude that they do not know/care. I can probably also assume that they feel empowered since the prez is on their side. Food Stamps 4 all!!!!!

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The fact that I need to distinguish the Southeast and Northwest parts of this city socio-economically adds to the confused element. Everyone knows that every city has its fair share of the good, the bad, and the ugly, but DC tries to cover it up and act like they are the epitome of southern culture while remaining a business, shopping, AND political capital, all of Northern influence.

It’s just that DC has this presidential aura that masks the ugly. Everyone has visited Georgetown and absolutely adores it!! But like besides the cupcakes and liberal education, what is drawing you there? I just don’t know. The poor and rich rarely mix (probably for the better) but everyone who has visited or lived there knows how prevalent the Southeast side is, so why try to cover that up with monuments and shit???

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 I am very sorry to the District of Columbia, for the South doesn’t consider you southern and the North doesn’t want anything to do with you.

Now for the chachy aspect… I am going to skip right over Barry and jump into Michelle’s lap for this one. She is the chachiest mofo alive. Like you campaign for childhood weight-loss, so obviously you’re the poor people’s first lady. Little ole Nancy Reagan just didn’t want any more rich whites getting into the coke game. Mich, stop trying to act like a fashionista and that you aren’t ghetto. We’d probably all like you better if you embraced your roots. Don’t dance on SNL, that is not only chachy coming from a person in your position, but it is also classless. Ugh first ladies these days… (These days as in since 2008- ChachyC2C loves Laura).

People Michelle Obama_Cala

michelle-obama-vogue-2013-coverDa Princess