Main Player Chaches

JAY ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Later

Later

Magna Carta Holy Grail sucks. It’s worth mentioning that it doesn’t suck in the Kanye’s-deal-with-the-devil-must-have-run-out way that Yeezus sucks. MCHG sucks the way that getting old probably sucks. I’m still a young stunna so I can’t be certain but I’m assuming.

Basically every song not named “F*ckWithMeYouKnowIGotIt” serves as only a depressing reminder that Hov’s about ten years past his prime. The album is lazy and boring and exactly what you would expect from a 43 year old mogul who spends his days diversifying his empire, which is depressing, because I guess I always hoped Jay was better than the rest of us (not me obvi, but everyone else). I know what you’re saying: didn’t you listen to Kingdom Come and The Blueprint III? Yeah I did, and they were dumptrucks too. But Watch The Throne gave the world hope. That album made me believe that Jay-Z wouldn’t waste his time putting out a sub-par album. It turns out he would.  MCHG is the symbol of Jay’s mortality, and even he knows it. Point to any other time in his bravado laced career that he would have made the lame decision to guarantee an album platinum status like he did with his Samsung app deal. The swagger is gone. Maybe not from the man, but from his music.

One final thought: did everyone hear that he officially dropped the hyphen from his famous moniker? Weak ass move. Like a tired restaurant changing its name to spice things up. Plus, does he know how much iTunes work that’s gonna be? How you gonna jock me like that dawg.

 

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Mandy B.

Obviously the media is all over the crazies. Being normal never landed you on anything other than the cover of Southern Living. While Lindsay Lohan has been on her way to Betty Ford for the past few months, Amanda Bynes has become the poster child star gone wrong. While many would say that celebs like these don’t deserve any media attention and they are the downfall of America, as much as I would like to differ and most of you would too- I still follow both of them on twitter. We give Amanda Bynes the ammunition to be this person. It is like one day she tried out being a crazy person and that got her the first media attention in 4 years, so she kept it up. Regardless of what she is actually up to, perception is reality, no?

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So here we are with an actress tweeting obscene things to drake and Rihanna, posting compromising pictures of herself, and rambling insanities. I am only considering her self-defense insanity because of how she has been presenting herself otherwise. I really wanna believe her. I want to see the best in people. I am only accepting of Lindsay’s coke problem because it’s betchy. (see below post).

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Everyone would be drawn to a story about the Pope throwing a bong out the window- but given his track record, it wouldn’t be anything than a laughable media story. The reason we believe that Mandy threw a bong out the window is because she has kindly asked drake to “murder her vagina” and she “looks forward to a long career in hiphop.” If she didn’t present herself as a lunatic who would throw a bong out the window- no one would believe it. In some alternate universe where Amanda Bynes never posted pictures, drank, smoked, or spoke profanities- everyone would laugh off her bong throwing as another TMZ money making ploy.

So moral of the story- be who you want people to see you as. You could actually be a lovely classy person-  but if you present yourself to the twitter/facebook/public eye as a desperate, party gal, hoe- you will actually be a desperate, party gal, hoe. Dress appropriately, speak appropriately, drink appropriately, and most of all- don’t propose sex via social media.

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This Mandy B wouldn’t throw a bong out the window…

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But this one would….

 

James Bond: Hardo Nation

James Bond is a huge chief. It’s a simple fact.

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He saved the British/the World a couple times and now he thinks he’s some kind of super hero. Thinks he has to put all of the British Empire on his back every time there’s some little issue. And, yeah, they probably do need his help, but you know what? England sucks.

You ever look at it on a map? Even Rhode Island thinks they can beat the UK up.

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What I’m trying to say is the Great Britain is irrelevant. James spending all his time trying to save it is like a homeless guy making sure his shirt stays clean.

So James, take it easy. Go on vacation. Hang out with your ladies. The world will survive without your home country. Hell, it’s just less bad teeth and horrible cuisine in the world anyway.

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Five Hall of Famers from the Silver Screen

You all didn’t think classic cinema was exempt from chach clowns, did you?

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1) Jenny Gump

Literally kills herself trying to fit in and be cool. She couldn’t even tell Forrest that the kid was his without being weird about it. C’mon Jennaay.

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2) Draco Malfoy

Yeah, I’ll put Harry Potter in the classic movies category. Have you ever seen The Sorcerer’s Stone? Solid gold. Malfoy’s not who you wanna be though. He’s only relevant because of his family and he’s obsessed with Slytherin. Sick dude, let’s see how you handle Voldy F Baby. That’s right, this little chach runs away with his wand between his legs. Give it hear Malfoy!

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3) Scotty Smalls

I guess you could say there is no movie without our black-eyed pal Scotty, but seriously guy. I would’ve watched The Sandlot if it was just Hambino and Benny The Jet making plays out there. But Scotty’s the new kid and he’s tryna be a baller in all the wrong ways. “I think I could find us a ball…..” Stealing a Babe Ruth signed ball really isn’t the play. Now everybody has to take on The Beast because you were dumb. IDIOT.

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4) Daisy Buchannan

Single handedly destroyed a summer in the East and West Egg. Talked really weird. Killed Myrtle. Got the legend Jay Gatsby killed. She’s a chach and a half.

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5) Brando’s Grandson Anthony

You just killed Don Corleone little guy! He survived decades of mob turmoil, but you couldn’t help yourself from running around. Luca Brasi and all those guys never would’ve done that. Just when the Don should be enjoying the fruits of his sketchy labor and hanging in the garden that his dirty money provided, you cut it all short. Then he grows up and tries to be a priest. Grow up, pal.

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Chach of Last Week: Sorry 4 The Wait

Last week was a long one, but that doesn’t mean it was chach-free. Plenty of folks displayed some pretty questionable behavior/life choices. In the end though, as is always the case, the cream rises to the top. Andy Enfield is that cream.
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Who? Yeah I don’t know. Nobody knew who this guy was until last week, when he coached Florida Gulf Coast University to the Sweet Sixteen of the NCAA basketball championship. FGCU is that school on the beach somewhere in Florida that that kid who was the scrubbiest player on every sport team and had awful grades strangely chose because he wanted the “big college experience,” but he got negged by Florida State, Florida, and Miami, and he was to scared to take the plunge into the Auburn/Georgia/Ole Miss crop of schools. Anyway, this guy Andy Enfield is their coach. He made a ton of money investing in some healthcare software, so now he just kicks it as a basketball coach.
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The dude is rich af, and I guess it isn’t that bad to coach up some kids to stay busy, but it turns out he’s a huge chach. He’s kinda bald and you could fly a plane through his teeth, but he’s dating a former supermodel. What a chach…. Grow up creepshow. If you married a gold digger, that’s cool I guess, but just own it. He contends that she fell for him and not his wallet. He’s gotta know the truth, and so do the degenerates he coaches. Normally I’d say you cant knock his hustle, but his lack of awareness is just too chachy to leave alone.
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Finally, the cherry on top of this guy is that he just ditched FGCU. He left to become the new head coach at USC… if you’re gonna be a weirdo man, stay in the shadows. Old Andy here is really proving to be a chach in the truest sense of the word. He thinks he’s the man, and it’s about to get real uncomfortable for the world to watch.

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Chach of the Week: Eldrick

And we’re back. This was a big week for chachery across the country as millions upon millions of jabronis filled out, and told you all about, NCAA brackets.  Oh you have VCU, MSU, The U, and IU going to the Final Four? Wow dude, so ballsy of you to arbitrarily pick a bunch of no-name state schools that you’ve never watched play! Every year, it’s the same song and dance.  Regardless, those chumps have not been selected Chach of the Week.  We will stay within the sports world, though.

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Tiger Woods. That’s right, the man got back on the horse, this time shacking up with skier Lindsey Vonn.

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Not bad I guess.  One problem though: Tiger made his announcement in the chahiest way possible, by posting an absurd photo album on his facebook page.  Here are two choice selections for your viewing pleasure.

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Uhhh excuse me dawg? Is this real life?  Do you two even like each other? I cant tell with the nike logo all up im my grill. This is some bizarro world prom picture type shit.

Some immediate questions that come to mind:

1) Is this your back yard?

2) Do either of you have any intention to work out in the near future?

3) Have you realized you’re different colors?

4) Where’d you get those jeans?

5) When’s the last time Lindsey got some UV rays?

6) Have you made out yet?

No matter what the answers to those questions are, this photo shoot made one thing very clear — Tiger Woods is your Chach of the Week.

P.S. You better believe Tiger was refreshing safari like a nerd watching each and every like pour in on these pics.  Poor guy’s a slave to Zuckerfag just like the rest of you.

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Chach of the Week

Welcome to a brand new segment that we at Cc2c headquarters like to call “Chach of the Week.”  Our inaugural winner really distinguished himself from the rest of the pack this week, truly out working the competition. Without further ado, I present to you the Chach of the Week…..

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No that isn’t Whitney Houston’s corpse, it’s Dennis rodman. After an outlandish trip to North Korea had him talking shop with Lloyd’s slightly retarded cousin, Kim Jong un, he really embraced the jet setter lifestyle by flying out to the Vatican. Why? No big deal he’s just campaigning for some African dude to become pope like its a race to be treasurer of an elementary school class. Pump the brakes, Dennis. You’re a former multi-time NBA champion best known for horrendous hairstyles, a surplus of piercings, and a pension for dressing in drag. Nobody’s taking you seriously. I’m sure the folks at vh1 would be thrilled to interview you for the next episode of “I love the 90s,” but Barry Obama and the college of cardinals sure as hell don’t want your input. So congratulations Dennis, earning Chach of the week is something to be proud of.

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Just to clarify- this one is the evil dictator…

 

Oh, and your man lost. We’re gonna have some Argentinian chief riding around in the pope mobile. Probably a nice promotion from preaching in front of some bodega, huh? Viva la iglesia!

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

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