General Judgements

JAY ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Later

Later

Magna Carta Holy Grail sucks. It’s worth mentioning that it doesn’t suck in the Kanye’s-deal-with-the-devil-must-have-run-out way that Yeezus sucks. MCHG sucks the way that getting old probably sucks. I’m still a young stunna so I can’t be certain but I’m assuming.

Basically every song not named “F*ckWithMeYouKnowIGotIt” serves as only a depressing reminder that Hov’s about ten years past his prime. The album is lazy and boring and exactly what you would expect from a 43 year old mogul who spends his days diversifying his empire, which is depressing, because I guess I always hoped Jay was better than the rest of us (not me obvi, but everyone else). I know what you’re saying: didn’t you listen to Kingdom Come and The Blueprint III? Yeah I did, and they were dumptrucks too. But Watch The Throne gave the world hope. That album made me believe that Jay-Z wouldn’t waste his time putting out a sub-par album. It turns out he would.  MCHG is the symbol of Jay’s mortality, and even he knows it. Point to any other time in his bravado laced career that he would have made the lame decision to guarantee an album platinum status like he did with his Samsung app deal. The swagger is gone. Maybe not from the man, but from his music.

One final thought: did everyone hear that he officially dropped the hyphen from his famous moniker? Weak ass move. Like a tired restaurant changing its name to spice things up. Plus, does he know how much iTunes work that’s gonna be? How you gonna jock me like that dawg.

 

ET

“I’d take it in the ass for an Oscar” -Johnny Drama

What else is there to do when you have too much to do, but watch TV? Nothing is a bigger time suck or more of an obsession than a television show. Before the days of netflix, we would all anxiously await next weeks’ episode and now we watch 3 seasons in a week on HBO Go without seeing the light of day. Since we spend more time with these characters than our own parents, what shows we choose to fill our heads with is perfect judgement of character. Here’s why..

Mad Men: You watch a show based in the 60s, you think you’re educated. You think you’re sophisticated. You think you’re fabulous.  You may or may not be any of these things, but you’re just waiting for the high class problems of Don Draper to enter your own life.

mad-men

Gender Roles

Eastbound and Down: You probably don’t find Kenny Powers entirely disgusting. You might play baseball and you definitely admire him. If you’re from the north, you wish you lived in the south and if you’re from the south, you’re probably a little embarrassed. Either way who’s cooler than Kenny Powers, who doesn’t look like Kate Moss, doing lines with his buddies? That was sarcastic.

eastbound

Pretty Little Liars: You think that you like the horror movie genre now, sorry A isn’t that hardcore. When you were in high school, these girls dressed so betchy and you might have tried to act like your favorite one. Now that you’re in college and moving forward (?) with your life you think it’s so cute how they deal with boys, like why doesn’t Spencer dump creepshow Toby.

Got a secret?

Got a secret?

Entourage: You wish that the amount of weed you smoke can some day amount to Vinny Chase’s success. You could only hope. Vinny Chase lives the life, but he isn’t enough to want to be- I guess that’s the price of fame. It should be clear that Turte, E, and Drama are the ones you’re supposed to like- but hey who gave this dumb show that much thought. Oh and if you aren’t jewish, you probably wish you were because of Ari.

LLOYYYYDDD

LLOYYYYDDD

Game of Thrones: I know absolutely nothing about this show- but what I do know is that it is all fantasy and creepy children and people dying. You are probably an aspiring sociopath.

Ew

Ew

Breaking Bad: You definitely sell weed on the side and only hope to amount to what Walter has. You’re into drugs and crime. If you’re not as slimy as Jesse, then chances are you want to work with crime from the other end- lawyer, corrections officer, cop, therapist. So you either want to be Walt, support Walt, get into the mind of Walt, or take him down completely.

bb

True Blood: I don’t care how good it is, or how much it isn’t super twilighty- you have to be obsessed with sex to like this show. Chances are that you are a sex addict or completely deprived. So then basically sex is on your mind 24/7 and this show is your outlet. Get help pls.

This explains it all. Btw Fuck Rolling Stone.

This explains it all. Btw Fuck Rolling Stone.

The Bachelor: You are a romance obsessed girl. You have a wedding board on pinterest. And you really hope that love is found over these 12 or so weeks because no one should be alone, right? You probably don’t have a boyfriend because he would never allow you to watch this- unless he’s gay. Sorry for breaking the news to you both. Enjoy your cats in 5-7 years.

This looks dysfunctional

This looks dysfunctional

Sons of Anarchy: If you’re a guy, which is most of you, you want to be Jax Teller. He is the coolest baddest motherfucker out there. Who else could wear white airforce ones and baggy jeans and ride a motorcycle and you still wanted to be him? Watching SOA allows you to feel more bad ass than you are. I know that you think that you’re a bad ass d3 lax god, but we all know that SAMCRO is consistently one-upping you. If you’re a girl, plain and simple, you are just trying to bang the dudes who watch SOA.

Guys wanna be you. Girls wanna do you.

Guys wanna be you. Girls wanna do you.

How I Met Your Mother: You don’t have any friends. You yearn to have friends. You think you’re a part of something bigger because you watch How I Met Your Mother. It is not the new Friends, so therefore it is not legendary and in turn you are not legendary.

I do not see Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and/or Phoebe

I do not see Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and/or Phoebe

Gossip Girl: You read the books in middle school. You want the life, but sometimes you think that you are morally above it. You can’t resist wanting to be Serena considering she is Blake Lively. You swear you are going to stop watching because the plot is just too out of control, but never do. There is also a good chance that you are a middle aged woman trying to escape your dumpy husband, annoying kids, and humble abode.

Ugh Park Ave

Ugh Park Ave

The Sopranos: If you started watching post James Gandolfini’s death then you are a bandwagoner and have no respect for anyone or anything. If you were actually dedicated to the show then you can spot talent from a mile away. You like action and drama, as long as you are removed from it- some might call that selfish. You loved Tony and his smile because you wish people would forgive your sins as quickly as you forgave Tony’s.

RIP JG

RIP JG

 

Thank God I’m a Country Boy

Have you ever judged almost every single person around you at a particular moment? I have.

I went to a small Kip Moore concert on Long Island last week and I think everyone got confused and thought it was Toby Keith. Let me tell you- American Flags flying in the parking lot. Cowboy boots and hats alongside denim skirts and American flag bandanas. Quite frankly, I was embarrassed for these people. They were all poor and trying too hard to be southern. Like calm down. We all love America as much as the next person, but we don’t need to parade around in a flag to show that. We don’t need to use country music concert to do that either.

images

If you haven’t lived under a rock for the past year, you have probably noticed that America and country music have become more popular in the northeast. This means more concerts, more flags, and  more jorts on dudes.

american-flag-sequined-dress1

There is a fine line between getting in the spirit of the concert you are attending and going overboard. By all means, wear your cutoffs with boots and a tank- what we are trying to avoid are dresses made of bandanas. Don’t pretend that this has been you your whole life. No one in the Northeast listened to Jake Owen as of like a year and a half ago. Be real. Admit to the reality of your fleeting country obsession.

DSC04474

They ain’t tryna be no one

Southern people play the country card right, they don’t act like they’ve been waiting to see Blackberry Smoke. What it comes down to is that southern people understand that these are country concerts and not costume parties. That’s what frat parties are for.

I couldn't resist this picture

I couldn’t resist this picture

I’m Loving it

If you say that you don’t like fast food- I don’t believe you. Like seriously, who doesn’t love McDonalds’ fries. I’m not saying that you have to want to eat Burger King every day, but please don’t act like it grosses you out. Because it doesn’t. Because it can’t. So all of you chaches out there who are trying to pretend that you model for Lululemon- face the music- there is no shame in Dairy Queen’s game.

mcdonalds_french_fries

You will find these poser-types at work, at school, at the gym, and even in a Wendy’s (“it’s for the kids… I don’t know why, but they love it!- fucking liar”). These people are all over the place, but more prevalent in the North than the South.

In the North, everyone’s trying to be ano. If you aren’t ano- you are desperately trying to give yourself a body image issue. So they go on about how they just love the new salad place down the block and are completely disgusted by overweight people. Give it a break. If KFC was in Equinox, no one would complain. People in the north are the type to believe that if you don’t order it, the calories don’t count.

chick fil a a

Down in the South, everyone admits to having a crush on Chickfila. Who cares if you’re 90 or 190 lbs- if you are in the mood for Hardee’s that’s what you’ll get. They embrace the food, they embrace the culture. Some end up fat, some end up skinny. Some eat it every day, some don’t. So no matter where you want to go for lunch- you’re guaranteed to have a few friends along your side.

So if you’re reading this and still believe that you don’t like fast food be cool about it. Don’t make a gagging noise when someone says they want Taco Bell because frankly- if they want to go there- they’re going to and your ridicule won’t take anything away from their White Caste instagram.

white-castle-burgers-590

A little editorial

So recently in the news there has been a buzz about National Security and privacy. So basically- the government can read everything you post on the internet (private or not) and hear your phone conversations. Don’t get me wrong, at first- I freaked out too, but then I realized- who cares? The government doesn’t care what you are doing as long as you aren’t a threat to the good ole USA.

flaggg

But seriously- our boy Barry doesn’t care if you are sexting your boyfriend or cheating on him. Technology is so advanced that everything you say can and will be used against you, but the same with everyone else. You aren’t special. There are so many Americans- that the pot you asked your step cousin for- isn’t gonna matter. So unless you are a Colombian drug lord using Facebook to ship kilos- I think you’re okay.

Moral of the story- don’t freak out. If you love America, as you should, and are not a complete sociopath I don’t think the KGB will be knocking on your door anytime soon.

Political views aside, and on a realtalk note- we don’t want another Boston bombing or any other tragic terrorist attack. So don’t act like the government is out to get you.

flag pillow

Eye see you workin’

What do your sunglasses say about you?

You are told to not judge a book by its cover, but who a person is on the inside decides how she will display herself. Think about it. I’m not talking about acne, weight, or beauty. I’m talking about what people have control of. Blue eye shadow isn’t a look- I don’t care who you are.

Sunglasses are so important because they can make or break your look. Half the sunglass styles out there aren’t a good look for you- so there is a self-awareness element. There is also the tacky element- rhinestones- really? There’s a style element. And there is a dobby* element.

Well let’s take a little trip through sunglass hut. Lol

  • Aviator
avi

Do you want me now?

Metal: If you are wearing metal aviators- you think you’re hot. Aviators are a very particular shape and don’t look good on everyone, so if you’re wearing them you think you are killing it. This brings up the self awareness factor- if you look like a dump truck in the glasses- you missed the memo.

Plastic: If you are wearing plastic aviators, you are trying to tell people that you are fun! You might have a little tomboy element, but that’s just because you like to shotgun beers with the bros.

  • Wayfarer

way

If they aren’t raybans- you are a classified dobster. Nobody wants to see you running around in “frat” sunglasses that you got for free to raise HPV awareness. It is a poor move. If you don’t want to lose your “nice” sunglasses while you blackout at 3pm, wear a hat. On the otherhand, if they are raybans, you are pretty unoriginal and didn’t know what kind of glasses to get so you got the same ones as all of your friends. Nothing wrong with that- they are classic and show a sense of “I might get a job out of college.”

  • Lesbian glasses

costas

Unless you are coaching lacrosse and actually are a lesbian- these are not okay. Lesbians are good. Lacrosse is good. These glasses only fit in those two categories.

  • Oversized
prada

Be more fab

You may be trying to be a fashionista. And wearing these glasses may trick people into it. If the glasses are big and obnoxious enough and you have the balls to wear them- people will notice. They are great for hiding from people and the morning after a ~~**CraZii**~~ night out. But really, if you have a betchy outfit to go with the glasses, the world is your runway.

  • Cat Eye
cateye

What are you gonna do with these?

There is a good chance that you are trying to become first lady if you choose to wear cat eye sunglasses and then again there is a good chance that you are trying to be a pinup girl with bangs.  Either way, cat eye glasses are a great way to send a message. The way to win with cat eyes is to have the perfect outfit and look to go with it. If you haven’t put yourself together in a certain way, you did it wrong.

So next time you want to judge someone on the street- go for it. Oh and if they aren’t wearing sunglasses, they are probably trying to send an entirely different message or get an eye cancer sponsorship

xx

**Dobby: acting like a poor person whether you have money or not.