Month: July 2013

JAY ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Later

Later

Magna Carta Holy Grail sucks. It’s worth mentioning that it doesn’t suck in the Kanye’s-deal-with-the-devil-must-have-run-out way that Yeezus sucks. MCHG sucks the way that getting old probably sucks. I’m still a young stunna so I can’t be certain but I’m assuming.

Basically every song not named “F*ckWithMeYouKnowIGotIt” serves as only a depressing reminder that Hov’s about ten years past his prime. The album is lazy and boring and exactly what you would expect from a 43 year old mogul who spends his days diversifying his empire, which is depressing, because I guess I always hoped Jay was better than the rest of us (not me obvi, but everyone else). I know what you’re saying: didn’t you listen to Kingdom Come and The Blueprint III? Yeah I did, and they were dumptrucks too. But Watch The Throne gave the world hope. That album made me believe that Jay-Z wouldn’t waste his time putting out a sub-par album. It turns out he would.  MCHG is the symbol of Jay’s mortality, and even he knows it. Point to any other time in his bravado laced career that he would have made the lame decision to guarantee an album platinum status like he did with his Samsung app deal. The swagger is gone. Maybe not from the man, but from his music.

One final thought: did everyone hear that he officially dropped the hyphen from his famous moniker? Weak ass move. Like a tired restaurant changing its name to spice things up. Plus, does he know how much iTunes work that’s gonna be? How you gonna jock me like that dawg.

 

ET

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Let go of me, Starbucks

So recently I discovered Starbucks rewards. And now I am completely hooked. I might be addicted in the sense that I am constantly thinking about where my next “star” is coming from. Let me explain….

This might be me in 3 years. Triple Gold, baby

This might be me in 3 years. Triple Gold, baby

So Starbucks has you sign up for their rewards program and you get a “star” every time you purchase something. Once you get 5 stars, you are a green member and then when you get 30 stars, you are a gold member. Once you are a gold member- you get a free drink every 12 stars and you get this dankass gold card to use to pay with. It’s kind of a big deal. This whole gimmick was able to get me to stop making fun of people who drank starbucks and going there twice a day. I used to think it was lame and was like all “I’m above this- meet me at Dunkin Donuts fools.” Look at me now, I’m practically occupying Wall Street just by downloading the effing app. I forgot to mention the app, you can pay with your iPhone. I’ve literally lost all principles. I propose that Blackberry and Dunkin team up- I’ll do the PR. Something along the lines of SBUX and IPHONES are for poor liberals, moguls only. Yolo.

gold card

If the “stars” weren’t enough- now they have this treat receipt BS. Basically, if you buy coffee in the morning, you can get any medium (I refuse to call it a “grande”) cold drink for $2 (plus tax doe). So now its like I can get 2 stars a day and go broke at a slower pace. Sweet.

StarbucksTreatReceipt

I am still trying to figure out how starbucks brainwashed me. I contemplate my weak mindedness as I wait on line for a cup of coffee that I can make for free in my office. But actually. Starbucks has been hooked and isn’t letting go. Just like Steve Jobs (RIP).

sbuc

“I’d take it in the ass for an Oscar” -Johnny Drama

What else is there to do when you have too much to do, but watch TV? Nothing is a bigger time suck or more of an obsession than a television show. Before the days of netflix, we would all anxiously await next weeks’ episode and now we watch 3 seasons in a week on HBO Go without seeing the light of day. Since we spend more time with these characters than our own parents, what shows we choose to fill our heads with is perfect judgement of character. Here’s why..

Mad Men: You watch a show based in the 60s, you think you’re educated. You think you’re sophisticated. You think you’re fabulous.  You may or may not be any of these things, but you’re just waiting for the high class problems of Don Draper to enter your own life.

mad-men

Gender Roles

Eastbound and Down: You probably don’t find Kenny Powers entirely disgusting. You might play baseball and you definitely admire him. If you’re from the north, you wish you lived in the south and if you’re from the south, you’re probably a little embarrassed. Either way who’s cooler than Kenny Powers, who doesn’t look like Kate Moss, doing lines with his buddies? That was sarcastic.

eastbound

Pretty Little Liars: You think that you like the horror movie genre now, sorry A isn’t that hardcore. When you were in high school, these girls dressed so betchy and you might have tried to act like your favorite one. Now that you’re in college and moving forward (?) with your life you think it’s so cute how they deal with boys, like why doesn’t Spencer dump creepshow Toby.

Got a secret?

Got a secret?

Entourage: You wish that the amount of weed you smoke can some day amount to Vinny Chase’s success. You could only hope. Vinny Chase lives the life, but he isn’t enough to want to be- I guess that’s the price of fame. It should be clear that Turte, E, and Drama are the ones you’re supposed to like- but hey who gave this dumb show that much thought. Oh and if you aren’t jewish, you probably wish you were because of Ari.

LLOYYYYDDD

LLOYYYYDDD

Game of Thrones: I know absolutely nothing about this show- but what I do know is that it is all fantasy and creepy children and people dying. You are probably an aspiring sociopath.

Ew

Ew

Breaking Bad: You definitely sell weed on the side and only hope to amount to what Walter has. You’re into drugs and crime. If you’re not as slimy as Jesse, then chances are you want to work with crime from the other end- lawyer, corrections officer, cop, therapist. So you either want to be Walt, support Walt, get into the mind of Walt, or take him down completely.

bb

True Blood: I don’t care how good it is, or how much it isn’t super twilighty- you have to be obsessed with sex to like this show. Chances are that you are a sex addict or completely deprived. So then basically sex is on your mind 24/7 and this show is your outlet. Get help pls.

This explains it all. Btw Fuck Rolling Stone.

This explains it all. Btw Fuck Rolling Stone.

The Bachelor: You are a romance obsessed girl. You have a wedding board on pinterest. And you really hope that love is found over these 12 or so weeks because no one should be alone, right? You probably don’t have a boyfriend because he would never allow you to watch this- unless he’s gay. Sorry for breaking the news to you both. Enjoy your cats in 5-7 years.

This looks dysfunctional

This looks dysfunctional

Sons of Anarchy: If you’re a guy, which is most of you, you want to be Jax Teller. He is the coolest baddest motherfucker out there. Who else could wear white airforce ones and baggy jeans and ride a motorcycle and you still wanted to be him? Watching SOA allows you to feel more bad ass than you are. I know that you think that you’re a bad ass d3 lax god, but we all know that SAMCRO is consistently one-upping you. If you’re a girl, plain and simple, you are just trying to bang the dudes who watch SOA.

Guys wanna be you. Girls wanna do you.

Guys wanna be you. Girls wanna do you.

How I Met Your Mother: You don’t have any friends. You yearn to have friends. You think you’re a part of something bigger because you watch How I Met Your Mother. It is not the new Friends, so therefore it is not legendary and in turn you are not legendary.

I do not see Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and/or Phoebe

I do not see Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and/or Phoebe

Gossip Girl: You read the books in middle school. You want the life, but sometimes you think that you are morally above it. You can’t resist wanting to be Serena considering she is Blake Lively. You swear you are going to stop watching because the plot is just too out of control, but never do. There is also a good chance that you are a middle aged woman trying to escape your dumpy husband, annoying kids, and humble abode.

Ugh Park Ave

Ugh Park Ave

The Sopranos: If you started watching post James Gandolfini’s death then you are a bandwagoner and have no respect for anyone or anything. If you were actually dedicated to the show then you can spot talent from a mile away. You like action and drama, as long as you are removed from it- some might call that selfish. You loved Tony and his smile because you wish people would forgive your sins as quickly as you forgave Tony’s.

RIP JG

RIP JG

 

Whatcha diggin this week?

1. July 4th No work, fireworks, the beach, family, friends and hopefully not rainy weather

july4th

2. Chloe Bags– my birthday is in 3 weeks

chloe
3. La Bottega– It’s almost lunch time

labottega
4. Blackberry, but obvi have an iPhone

blackberry-10
5. The WSJ– It makes people around me think I’m smart

wsj
6. Chipotle– I’m REALLY hungry

chipotle
7. AMEX gift cards– When spending money doesn’t count

amex_giftCard
8. Social Media– I get really bored @ work

socailm
9. Sharpies– Make work slightly more fun

TheSharpieFamily-576x405
10. Police in the Subway– Relief for the paranoid (me)

police-in-subway.4