Month: June 2013

Thank God I’m a Country Boy

Have you ever judged almost every single person around you at a particular moment? I have.

I went to a small Kip Moore concert on Long Island last week and I think everyone got confused and thought it was Toby Keith. Let me tell you- American Flags flying in the parking lot. Cowboy boots and hats alongside denim skirts and American flag bandanas. Quite frankly, I was embarrassed for these people. They were all poor and trying too hard to be southern. Like calm down. We all love America as much as the next person, but we don’t need to parade around in a flag to show that. We don’t need to use country music concert to do that either.

images

If you haven’t lived under a rock for the past year, you have probably noticed that America and country music have become more popular in the northeast. This means more concerts, more flags, and  more jorts on dudes.

american-flag-sequined-dress1

There is a fine line between getting in the spirit of the concert you are attending and going overboard. By all means, wear your cutoffs with boots and a tank- what we are trying to avoid are dresses made of bandanas. Don’t pretend that this has been you your whole life. No one in the Northeast listened to Jake Owen as of like a year and a half ago. Be real. Admit to the reality of your fleeting country obsession.

DSC04474

They ain’t tryna be no one

Southern people play the country card right, they don’t act like they’ve been waiting to see Blackberry Smoke. What it comes down to is that southern people understand that these are country concerts and not costume parties. That’s what frat parties are for.

I couldn't resist this picture

I couldn’t resist this picture

Advertisements

Goodbye to a Legend

Image

“I’m the motherfuckin fuckin one who calls the shots.” – Tony Soprano

James Gandolfini created a monster: a television character so believable and so real that the world mourns the loss of both the man and the myth.  Gandolfini became Soprano. Even when The Soprano’s had ended, Soprano lived on. In Zero Dark Thirty, James Gadolfini wasn’t portraying the Director of the CIA, Tony Soprano was.

We may never see another character like Tony Soprano. Personally, I’ll never feel as connected to an invented individual as I do to Tony.  I never wanted anyone to make it as much as I wanted Tony to make it, to live as much as I wanted Tony to live.  He somehow managed to come across as both totally human and immortal at the same time. He survived the show, or at least I like to think he did. But even Tony Soprano couldn’t live forever.

Really, this isn’t a remembrance, and it isn’t an obituary. This is a thank you.

Thanks Mr. Gandolfini.  In 86 episodes, you let me get to know one of the most interesting men that has never lived.

ET

Chaches of the (Last Few) Weeks

I’ve let these chaches run wild without recourse for too long. It’s time to drop the hammer.

1) People who care about PRISM

nsa

OMGOMG the government is watching us!! Good, they should be watching us. You know why? So that when one of you creepshows wakes up in the morning and texts your buddy that you’ve decided to become a radical Muslim fundamentalist/terrorist, a SWAT team will be waiting outside the door of your shoebox sized apartment to escort you to Guantanamo (I know Guantanamo is closed now, RIP). If you’re a normal, God fearing American, you should have no beef with PRISM. People who are outraged by this are the same people who freak out about the TSA and full-body scans. Please don’t complain about Uncle Sam when he’s trying to protect your dumb ass.

2) Barack Obama

barack-obama-hands-portrait

This guy’s whole platform when he was running for president relied on two key ideas: a. he was black, and b. he was not George W. Bush. Well guess what, now it turns out that Barack has been conducting the same surveillance of the US population that our boy GWB was, but without being a baller. As I stated previously, I personally love the idea of the government watching our every move because I have nothing to hide and love America. So Barack, I sweat your style with this. But straight up lying after villainizing 43 isn’t kosher. Grow up, chach.

3) Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes "Peek-A-Boo" with Photographers

Has Amanda Bynes gone off the deep end? Recent developments seem to point towards this whole meltdown being a devilish ploy to attract attention (http://www.lifeandstylemag.com/entertainment/news/amanda-bynes-faking-behavior-texts-jonathan-jaxson-twitter). Either way, she’s a chach. One of my personal mantras has always been “fake it til you make it,” but if Bynes truly is pulling our collective leg, she’s overdoing it. Honestly, one cocaine-fueled, TMZ headlining bender probably would have been enough. And even if she has lost her marbles, she’s delusional to the chachiest of levels (rap career, cheek piercings, writing tweets longer than 140 characters, etc). Bring out the dancing lobsters.

4) College kids without jobs

a_560x375

I really don’t care whether you go to Stanford or East Nowhere State University, you should have a summer job. And unless you plan on waiting tables or guarding lives for your whole life, this job should probably be an internship. In the city. Like an adult. Even kids doing menial tasks and performing manual labor, though, are better than the jobless group. These kids who lounge around all summer providing nothing for society are the worst kind of people. They revel in their lack of direction in life and spend their days trying to convince their more well-adjusted friends to join them in killing brain cells. When these attempts fail, these unemployed “young adults” are left to hang out with each other, and only each other, no doubt bitching about how gay their friends with jobs are. Interestingly enough, these conversations will continue throughout the course of their lives. These conversations will move over time, though, from daddy’s backyard fire pit to a smoking garbage can in a dirty alley.

5) Citi Bikers

130520_CB_CityBiker.jpg.CROP.rectangle3-large

Citi Bikes have flooded New York City, making a healthy mode of transportation available to anybody with a credit card. However, what sounds like a great idea has had horrible consequences, as unskilled and un-American riders have been granted access to these death machines. Riding around like headless chickens, Citi bikers have been barreling into helpless pedestrians and swerving in front of unknowing motorists. The Citi Bike movement must be stopped, before it destroys our fair city. Write to your congressmen! Slash bike tires! Burn Citi Bike stations to the ground! We must do whatever it takes to eliminate the Citi Bike race.

Instagram Straight Flexin’

So chachy over here decided to make an instagram for chachy coast to coast, since I am consumed with trying to get over 11 likes so I have a “number” instead of a list of names on my personal instagram- I don’t know how far we are gonna do with this one.

th

Instagram is great. Hours of entertainment and stalking. It is like the glory of Facebook, but organized. With instagram, you only see the coolest part of somones night and the coolest place they’ve been all day. Instagram is deliberate and cuts out all the pics of your friends with their eyes closed.

I learned the hard way not to go on an insta binge- you will get zero likes and lose followers. The way to get followers and likes is to over-edit pictures and make sure that your pictures have mass appeal. Ice cream- yes. You and 89 of your BFFs at Happy Hour- think again.

Instagram definitely has fewer rules than twitter. For instance- you can have a less phenomenal ratio. But I don’t think the anarchy will last. Right now it is for sure easy to get 150 followers by following all of your new friends that have insta- but soon there won’t be continuous rapid increase of new insta users and the amount of followers you get will plateau and people will realize you suck and unfollow you. If you are aware of all of this from the beginning, there is a chance you can survive the insta game.

instagram7

Instagram is tricky because while twitter has an end game of becoming twitter famous and having 10,000 followers- being instagram famous is less appealing considering most of the “favorites” page is filled with Vietnamese models and 12 year old boys who looking like JBiebz before he started partying.

Chachy Coast to Coast instagram: ChachyC2C

I’m Loving it

If you say that you don’t like fast food- I don’t believe you. Like seriously, who doesn’t love McDonalds’ fries. I’m not saying that you have to want to eat Burger King every day, but please don’t act like it grosses you out. Because it doesn’t. Because it can’t. So all of you chaches out there who are trying to pretend that you model for Lululemon- face the music- there is no shame in Dairy Queen’s game.

mcdonalds_french_fries

You will find these poser-types at work, at school, at the gym, and even in a Wendy’s (“it’s for the kids… I don’t know why, but they love it!- fucking liar”). These people are all over the place, but more prevalent in the North than the South.

In the North, everyone’s trying to be ano. If you aren’t ano- you are desperately trying to give yourself a body image issue. So they go on about how they just love the new salad place down the block and are completely disgusted by overweight people. Give it a break. If KFC was in Equinox, no one would complain. People in the north are the type to believe that if you don’t order it, the calories don’t count.

chick fil a a

Down in the South, everyone admits to having a crush on Chickfila. Who cares if you’re 90 or 190 lbs- if you are in the mood for Hardee’s that’s what you’ll get. They embrace the food, they embrace the culture. Some end up fat, some end up skinny. Some eat it every day, some don’t. So no matter where you want to go for lunch- you’re guaranteed to have a few friends along your side.

So if you’re reading this and still believe that you don’t like fast food be cool about it. Don’t make a gagging noise when someone says they want Taco Bell because frankly- if they want to go there- they’re going to and your ridicule won’t take anything away from their White Caste instagram.

white-castle-burgers-590

Tweet Tweet

tweet1Twitter was created in 2006 as a new way to tell your friends what you’re up to. A microblog- if we will. With 140 characters- you had to give a location and activity.

As it is now 2013, twitter has tried to move away from the “tell me what you’re doing” type tweet to a “give us an update” type deal. This can include news, a shout out to a friend, an observation, and if you’re crafty enough- a short memoir.

There is no license to tweet and thus, too many people are attempting to do it. Not enough people are good at it. Here it goes:

If you’re good at twitter…

  • You have made some sort of personality for yourself. You tweet accordingly and people grow to expect something of you.
  • You are funny and creative. A quick joke. A play on words.
  • You poke fun at the world. Not too critical, but cognizant
  • You are informative, but not boring.
  • You have a good ratio. If you don’t know what I mean- yours probably sucks.

If you’re bad at twitter…

  • You’re still following the “What are you doing?” format. Bye.
  • You don’t change up your topics. No one wants to read 29736 different tweets all referring to alcohol…or politics
  • You only tweet at your friends. Ashley and Carrie are hanging out if anyone was wondering!!
  • You only tweet song lyrics. Everyone knows DMB. Thanks for the update.
  • You tweet things that are clearly for attention. “FML.” “Worst day ever.” “OMG LOVING LIFE. THANKS YOU KNOW WHO.” The four texts you receive aren’t worth it.
  • You use emojis in every tweet. Not everyone has an iphone. HA yes they do, but still.
  • You are too personal. No one cares if you like your job or if you have the greatest friends.
  • You have a bad ratio. Zero awareness.

Hopefully you take something away from this. No one’s a perfect tweeter, but we all can improve. So stop making people unfollow you because you shamelessly tweet about your period.

Twitter is not your friend. Twitter is not your confidant. This is the first week of college- make twitter want you.

twww

@chachyc2c

A little editorial

So recently in the news there has been a buzz about National Security and privacy. So basically- the government can read everything you post on the internet (private or not) and hear your phone conversations. Don’t get me wrong, at first- I freaked out too, but then I realized- who cares? The government doesn’t care what you are doing as long as you aren’t a threat to the good ole USA.

flaggg

But seriously- our boy Barry doesn’t care if you are sexting your boyfriend or cheating on him. Technology is so advanced that everything you say can and will be used against you, but the same with everyone else. You aren’t special. There are so many Americans- that the pot you asked your step cousin for- isn’t gonna matter. So unless you are a Colombian drug lord using Facebook to ship kilos- I think you’re okay.

Moral of the story- don’t freak out. If you love America, as you should, and are not a complete sociopath I don’t think the KGB will be knocking on your door anytime soon.

Political views aside, and on a realtalk note- we don’t want another Boston bombing or any other tragic terrorist attack. So don’t act like the government is out to get you.

flag pillow