I’ve let these chaches run wild without recourse for too long. It’s time to drop the hammer.
1) People who care about PRISM
OMGOMG the government is watching us!! Good, they should be watching us. You know why? So that when one of you creepshows wakes up in the morning and texts your buddy that you’ve decided to become a radical Muslim fundamentalist/terrorist, a SWAT team will be waiting outside the door of your shoebox sized apartment to escort you to Guantanamo (I know Guantanamo is closed now, RIP). If you’re a normal, God fearing American, you should have no beef with PRISM. People who are outraged by this are the same people who freak out about the TSA and full-body scans. Please don’t complain about Uncle Sam when he’s trying to protect your dumb ass.
2) Barack Obama
This guy’s whole platform when he was running for president relied on two key ideas: a. he was black, and b. he was not George W. Bush. Well guess what, now it turns out that Barack has been conducting the same surveillance of the US population that our boy GWB was, but without being a baller. As I stated previously, I personally love the idea of the government watching our every move because I have nothing to hide and love America. So Barack, I sweat your style with this. But straight up lying after villainizing 43 isn’t kosher. Grow up, chach.
3) Amanda Bynes
Has Amanda Bynes gone off the deep end? Recent developments seem to point towards this whole meltdown being a devilish ploy to attract attention (http://www.lifeandstylemag.com/entertainment/news/amanda-bynes-faking-behavior-texts-jonathan-jaxson-twitter). Either way, she’s a chach. One of my personal mantras has always been “fake it til you make it,” but if Bynes truly is pulling our collective leg, she’s overdoing it. Honestly, one cocaine-fueled, TMZ headlining bender probably would have been enough. And even if she has lost her marbles, she’s delusional to the chachiest of levels (rap career, cheek piercings, writing tweets longer than 140 characters, etc). Bring out the dancing lobsters.
4) College kids without jobs
I really don’t care whether you go to Stanford or East Nowhere State University, you should have a summer job. And unless you plan on waiting tables or guarding lives for your whole life, this job should probably be an internship. In the city. Like an adult. Even kids doing menial tasks and performing manual labor, though, are better than the jobless group. These kids who lounge around all summer providing nothing for society are the worst kind of people. They revel in their lack of direction in life and spend their days trying to convince their more well-adjusted friends to join them in killing brain cells. When these attempts fail, these unemployed “young adults” are left to hang out with each other, and only each other, no doubt bitching about how gay their friends with jobs are. Interestingly enough, these conversations will continue throughout the course of their lives. These conversations will move over time, though, from daddy’s backyard fire pit to a smoking garbage can in a dirty alley.
5) Citi Bikers
Citi Bikes have flooded New York City, making a healthy mode of transportation available to anybody with a credit card. However, what sounds like a great idea has had horrible consequences, as unskilled and un-American riders have been granted access to these death machines. Riding around like headless chickens, Citi bikers have been barreling into helpless pedestrians and swerving in front of unknowing motorists. The Citi Bike movement must be stopped, before it destroys our fair city. Write to your congressmen! Slash bike tires! Burn Citi Bike stations to the ground! We must do whatever it takes to eliminate the Citi Bike race.