Month: May 2013

Mandy B.

Obviously the media is all over the crazies. Being normal never landed you on anything other than the cover of Southern Living. While Lindsay Lohan has been on her way to Betty Ford for the past few months, Amanda Bynes has become the poster child star gone wrong. While many would say that celebs like these don’t deserve any media attention and they are the downfall of America, as much as I would like to differ and most of you would too- I still follow both of them on twitter. We give Amanda Bynes the ammunition to be this person. It is like one day she tried out being a crazy person and that got her the first media attention in 4 years, so she kept it up. Regardless of what she is actually up to, perception is reality, no?

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So here we are with an actress tweeting obscene things to drake and Rihanna, posting compromising pictures of herself, and rambling insanities. I am only considering her self-defense insanity because of how she has been presenting herself otherwise. I really wanna believe her. I want to see the best in people. I am only accepting of Lindsay’s coke problem because it’s betchy. (see below post).

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Everyone would be drawn to a story about the Pope throwing a bong out the window- but given his track record, it wouldn’t be anything than a laughable media story. The reason we believe that Mandy threw a bong out the window is because she has kindly asked drake to “murder her vagina” and she “looks forward to a long career in hiphop.” If she didn’t present herself as a lunatic who would throw a bong out the window- no one would believe it. In some alternate universe where Amanda Bynes never posted pictures, drank, smoked, or spoke profanities- everyone would laugh off her bong throwing as another TMZ money making ploy.

So moral of the story- be who you want people to see you as. You could actually be a lovely classy person-  but if you present yourself to the twitter/facebook/public eye as a desperate, party gal, hoe- you will actually be a desperate, party gal, hoe. Dress appropriately, speak appropriately, drink appropriately, and most of all- don’t propose sex via social media.

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This Mandy B wouldn’t throw a bong out the window…

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But this one would….

 

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MDW: Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day Weekend is one of the most important weekends of the year because it sets the tone for your entire summer. If you mess up MDW, there is a very large chance that you’re entire summer will consist of you pretending to diet and hanging out with your dog, alone. You need to lock in those summer friends and get this party started. I know that all of us in the Northeast are very lost on what do with with 50 degree weather. I’m not sure either- but regardless of your geographical location, these are a few things NOT to do MDW.

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1. Do NOT try to mix friend groups. You end up talking to no one.

2. Do NOT wear exclusively white jeans. That rule is semi-dead and depends on the weather.

3. Do NOT be that person who gets uncomfortably drunk, unless that’s the vibe.

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4. Do NOT drink and drive. Enough people have been affected by it that you can majorly offend someone (EVERYONE).

5. Do NOT try to bring your new summer fling to family functions. This brings discomfort to all.

6. Do NOT try to contact everyone in your iPhone. Some people are best to hang out with during happy hour NEXT week.

7. Do NOT try to create a new image for the summer. People do remember who you are.

8. Do NOT try to recreate a past summer’s memory. Seriously, you’ll end up crying.

9. Do NOT put on a skimpy bikini if you’re not ready. A cover-up is NOTHING to be ashamed of.

10. Do NOT take people doing the above ‘do NOT’ points seriously. They are trying to hard and you are not. Kudos.

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So everyone- no matter where you are or who you’re forced to be with, make the best of it. You only get one MDW ’13 and everyone knows that the summer is practically over by the time July 4th rolls around.

P.S. VERY jealous of anyone in beautiful weather- this may include various parts of Alabama- help me.

That’s the ish I don’t like

Well since I am now home for the summer, one would think that I would have more time to write- so far I haven’t. If I apologized for that, I wouldn’t be me, so I am not sorry.

Coming home to civilization is obvi amazing, but who would I be if I didn’t hate 75% of it? So here it is- the shit I don’t like this week

1. Kim Kardashian continuing to be an attention whore. Like you’re pregnant, shouldn’t that be enough?

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2. Psycho drivers. We are all in a rush. You are not more important than I am, trust me.

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3. Humidity.

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4. The tempt of bagels. You’re lying if you say you don’t want one everyday.

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5. Trashy people. Act like you have parents.

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6. Scratches on my iphone. Sorry for partying.

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7. Not being 21. Fake I.Ds are so 2011

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8. Don’t be tardy. If you’re not a real housewife of OC, get off BRAVO!

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9. Fake tans. This includes beds, powders, creams, sprays, and anything not from ~el sol~

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10. Real jobs. If you have a real job that can stress you out in the summer, do less.

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It’s not 1980, but we still love coke

If you’re young, white, and affluent, the chances of you being surrounded by cocaine are pretty high. This doesn’t mean that you are necessarily doing lines with all of your besties before you go out, but like if you wanted to- you could.

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Cocaine is like scary as shit- people get like creepily into it creepily fast. It might have to do with the fact that cocaine is the ultimate status symbol. Like yea if you’re poor and gross- cocaine isn’t cool, but if you’re skinny and pretty- you just look like a rich betch. Getting caught with a little weed in your bag is kinda grimy, getting caught with meth on you is alarming, getting caught with heroin is so grunge 90s, but getting caught with cocaine doesn’t have too many downsides. Like yea, it isn’t commendable but yet again you just look like you’re trying to party and are doing it in the bitchiest way possible.

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Everyone loves a good cocaine scandal, but northerners and southerners approach them differently

A northerner who loves a little nose candy would obviously share it with the world. This wannabe socialite would bring up coke every chance that they got. They would jokingly deny their love for cocaine and then ask you to go to the bathroom with them and offer you a line. Not only do they love talking about how great coke is, but they also want everyone around them to do it. Maybe its that catholic guilt or maybe they think true friendship is born with a hundred dollar bill grazing over a mirror. Either way, this coke fiend wants to look like Kate Moss and wants everyone to share their high. Why would a northerner do coke if they couldn’t scream about it off the top of the Empire State Building??

Hundos? Euros? Who cares?

Hundos? Euros? Who cares?

On the other hand, a southerner could be overdosing in their bedroom and no one would ever hear a peep. The southern coke culture is a tad bit quieter. The southern ladies and gents, who love lines as much as they do slavery, could gossip about their old sorority sisters and fraternity brothers that would do lines every time they left their rooms all day, but never would they reveal any evidence of their own affinity for yayo. I could practically guarantee you that there is a southern couple out there that “parties” every time they go out socially, but neither one know about the other. Why reveal your own wrongdoings when you could out others? Cocaine is still just as fun to talk about below the Mason-Dixon line, but just not in the same sentence as “me” or “I.”  How would a southern belle fit into her size 0 Lily Pulitzer if it wasn’t for her nose candy?

Whether you reside in the north, south, east, or west and have a bank account- you can find coke. If you have to look too hard, you’re probably doing something wrong.

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xx Da Princess