Month: April 2013

Nature, ew

In order to complete my liberal arts education, it is required that I take a lab science. After taking AP bio in high school and deciding that science wasn’t my thing- I have been avoiding taking my lab science in college. This has caught up with me and I am currently enrolled in a 4-week Field Botany class. I have been in the class for just over a week now and I have learned 2 things- a million parts of the flower that I have no interest in knowing and that I absolutely hate nature.

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Well like I’ve always known that I hate nature, but this really solidified this hatred. Walking in the woods dodging branches and poison ivy is probably on a list of the top things that I would never wanna do. But bigger picture- who actually would want to do that??

Toxicodendron radicans: poison ivy for you uneducated bitches

Toxicodendron radicans: poison ivy for you uneducated bitches

Nature is beautiful, don’t get me wrong. But that is what instagram is for, am I right?

Instagram straight flexin'

Nature is full of bugs, mud, plants, and slimy things. Rocks are made to be tripped over. Plants are poisonous. Bugs bite. I will never forget the time that I thought it was a good idea to go to the river….. Those first 10 steps in the river were scarring. It was slimy AF. Who knows what kind of organisms live in it??! Ew.

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The only nature that I tolerate is the ocean because who doesn’t like the ocean? Plus- the ocean isn’t real nature because it is everyone’s favorite place in the world.

So back to the real nitty gritty nasty nature. Avoid it at all costs. If you have to avoid poison ivy and getting scraped by thorns, then you should probably reevaluate your location and get back to your apartment in the city where nothing grows naturally.

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Back to my roots- those southern bitches love to pretend to loooooove to get down and dirty in nature. Please- don’t dirty your deb ball dress.

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For Those Who Fly Commercial

Sorry for my chachy hiatus, I’ve been doing really important things like visiting my boyfriend and spring breaking in the deep American south (I know….)

Before I get too far into this.. Imagine the smell of an airplane. It’s like instant nausea.

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Traveling never goes as smoothly as planned. There are delays, security, smells, fat people, peasants, crazy religious people, anxiety-ridden people, and of course young children. And if everything is perfect, it still sucks because you are traveling. It’s just like driving is poor. Trains are for creeps. And planes suck. But traveling by air is really your only option

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 Reason number 89 why I hate the location of my school- there aren’t any direct flights to the airport. It’s old fashioned BS. This adds about 400 hours to your travel time and 78938 more interactions with commoners. Ew.

Did you forget about delays? Probably not. There has been at least one delay in your life that scarred you from flying for at least 4 months. Like they are unnecessary. The airlines problems should not become my problems. Capisce?

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Babies on planes. They cry and occasionally boot. Like I feel bad for the parents, but flying with young children is a form of self inflicted pain. Do they hate themselves? Do they hate humanity?

This is unrealistic

This is unrealistic

Lets not forget about the religious folk who pray the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, I respect them entirely, but I also respect them from opposite ends of the aircraft.

Traveling is the worst, unless you’re flying private, which is better, but like you still deal with the most annoying factor of traveling- the lack of instant gratification. And it’s like human (or my) nature to want everything 5 minutes ago.

Private's just better- if only for the weed and strippers

Private’s just better- if only for the weed and strippers

Despite my whining and complaining, we cannot forget why we travel: to reach a destination that we obviously want to get to bad enough that we will get on a plane, train, or automobile.

 

xx

Working in Groups Never Ends Well

I decided to be an econ major so that I wouldn’t have to write papers and so I didn’t have to work with people… So far- I’ve done both.

Orange juice?

Orange juice?

Group projects are actually the worst thing in America, but unless you are in the middle of a 5 person group project idea storm, you probably wouldn’t know that.

The funny thing about group projects is that once you are done- you are so happy to be done, you just wanna be BFFs with your ex-partners. Once a group project comes to a close- you forget that you wanted to pull each and every hair out of your group members’ head because they were trying to make you do work.

You forget about the time they didn’t answer your email, so you called them in a panic. You forget about when they tried to make themselves look smarter and shut you down in front of your professor. Or the time that they blatantly ignored your ideas. Or how about the time that they couldn’t meet the night before it was due. Ugh.

This guy has NO idea what's going on

This guy has NO idea what’s going on

No matter who you are working with- you don’t like them and they could drop off the face of the earth for all you care.

So moral of the group project story- they are unavoidable, but if you are a complete psycho and control freak along the way- there is a good chance you’ll make it out alive and not have to talk to your “group buddies” ever again.

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James Bond: Hardo Nation

James Bond is a huge chief. It’s a simple fact.

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He saved the British/the World a couple times and now he thinks he’s some kind of super hero. Thinks he has to put all of the British Empire on his back every time there’s some little issue. And, yeah, they probably do need his help, but you know what? England sucks.

You ever look at it on a map? Even Rhode Island thinks they can beat the UK up.

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What I’m trying to say is the Great Britain is irrelevant. James spending all his time trying to save it is like a homeless guy making sure his shirt stays clean.

So James, take it easy. Go on vacation. Hang out with your ladies. The world will survive without your home country. Hell, it’s just less bad teeth and horrible cuisine in the world anyway.

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Five Hall of Famers from the Silver Screen

You all didn’t think classic cinema was exempt from chach clowns, did you?

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1) Jenny Gump

Literally kills herself trying to fit in and be cool. She couldn’t even tell Forrest that the kid was his without being weird about it. C’mon Jennaay.

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2) Draco Malfoy

Yeah, I’ll put Harry Potter in the classic movies category. Have you ever seen The Sorcerer’s Stone? Solid gold. Malfoy’s not who you wanna be though. He’s only relevant because of his family and he’s obsessed with Slytherin. Sick dude, let’s see how you handle Voldy F Baby. That’s right, this little chach runs away with his wand between his legs. Give it hear Malfoy!

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3) Scotty Smalls

I guess you could say there is no movie without our black-eyed pal Scotty, but seriously guy. I would’ve watched The Sandlot if it was just Hambino and Benny The Jet making plays out there. But Scotty’s the new kid and he’s tryna be a baller in all the wrong ways. “I think I could find us a ball…..” Stealing a Babe Ruth signed ball really isn’t the play. Now everybody has to take on The Beast because you were dumb. IDIOT.

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4) Daisy Buchannan

Single handedly destroyed a summer in the East and West Egg. Talked really weird. Killed Myrtle. Got the legend Jay Gatsby killed. She’s a chach and a half.

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5) Brando’s Grandson Anthony

You just killed Don Corleone little guy! He survived decades of mob turmoil, but you couldn’t help yourself from running around. Luca Brasi and all those guys never would’ve done that. Just when the Don should be enjoying the fruits of his sketchy labor and hanging in the garden that his dirty money provided, you cut it all short. Then he grows up and tries to be a priest. Grow up, pal.

ET

Chach of Last Week: Sorry 4 The Wait

Last week was a long one, but that doesn’t mean it was chach-free. Plenty of folks displayed some pretty questionable behavior/life choices. In the end though, as is always the case, the cream rises to the top. Andy Enfield is that cream.
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Who? Yeah I don’t know. Nobody knew who this guy was until last week, when he coached Florida Gulf Coast University to the Sweet Sixteen of the NCAA basketball championship. FGCU is that school on the beach somewhere in Florida that that kid who was the scrubbiest player on every sport team and had awful grades strangely chose because he wanted the “big college experience,” but he got negged by Florida State, Florida, and Miami, and he was to scared to take the plunge into the Auburn/Georgia/Ole Miss crop of schools. Anyway, this guy Andy Enfield is their coach. He made a ton of money investing in some healthcare software, so now he just kicks it as a basketball coach.
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The dude is rich af, and I guess it isn’t that bad to coach up some kids to stay busy, but it turns out he’s a huge chach. He’s kinda bald and you could fly a plane through his teeth, but he’s dating a former supermodel. What a chach…. Grow up creepshow. If you married a gold digger, that’s cool I guess, but just own it. He contends that she fell for him and not his wallet. He’s gotta know the truth, and so do the degenerates he coaches. Normally I’d say you cant knock his hustle, but his lack of awareness is just too chachy to leave alone.
Andy Enfield FGCU
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Finally, the cherry on top of this guy is that he just ditched FGCU. He left to become the new head coach at USC… if you’re gonna be a weirdo man, stay in the shadows. Old Andy here is really proving to be a chach in the truest sense of the word. He thinks he’s the man, and it’s about to get real uncomfortable for the world to watch.

ET