Month: March 2013

Northern Parents in the South

So what happens when your psycho northern father comes to the Greenbrier for Easter weekend? Teary eyed resort employees.

Wild and Wonderful

Wild and Wonderful

Here are a few of the best lines from our visit in West Virginia so far. (We arrived at 2 pm.. it is now 11)

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1. You are the first person that has been nice to me all day.

2. You’re burnt out

3. WHY CAN’T YOU HEAR ME????

4. You must be freaked out that I’m paying in cash- people don’t use cash anymore

5. SNACKS?! I was told you would be serving lunch. Why did we even come here?

6. You’re going to treat us like crap- we are your last table of the night

7. You don’t have a 3x??! So you’re telling me to eat a carrot?

8. They automatically add 20% gratuity- I’ll throw him a new extra dollars.. Don’t want anyone calling me cheap around here

9. **To sales associate** I am going to cut my daughter off and make her shop at Kohls

10. This hotel needs to be redone

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So if for one minute you wondered why I say the things I do and act the way I do.. you shouldn’t because this is my father. He doesn’t mean any of this to be harmful (for the most part).

I know that the south has softened me when I have to quietly whisper to my father that he has to act a little more gently around the southern folk… who am I????

I’ll keep YALL posted. DP

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You’re delusional~~

So I am just casually sitting watching E! because Real Housewives of Atlanta is on Bravo- always blowing up that spot. And ultimate reality check of a movie, “He’s just not that into you” is on.

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Omg.. the first reaction when watching this movie is to instantly delete your current crush’s number because like seriously- he doesn’t want anything to do with you. Over the course of this movie you replay every moment that you and said crush have every shared and cringe. You want to curl up in a ball and die. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I text him good morning?? He never cared. He never will. Why did I ever think him telling me that he thought my BFF was cute really meant that I was cute?? Ugh WHY DIDN’T THIS MOVIE COME OUT EARLIER TO WARN ME?? Are just a few of your initial innermost thoughts. It is bad.

Then you feel cleansed. You vow to yourself that you will never be an idiot girl, again. You will never chase a boy. And that you now know and understand that if a boy likes you he will let you know and make it obvious. There are no more games. You will never send another text message first. Your BFF with a boyfriend agrees and tries to tell you that she has been telling you this all along. (No she hasn’t… She can fuck herself).

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The third and final stage of the “He’s just not that into you” plague is “the relapse.” At this point in time it has been weeks, months, or years since you have seen the movie and its lesson has worn off. You know think that randomly texting your love interest to see how his day is going is OKAY. (No its not). You also think that your “future” boyfriend is playing really hard to get and he doesn’t really like Bridget.. he’s just hooking up with her and taking her out because he wants to make you jealous. (Again, you are wrong). During this relapse phase you may cry about your crush. You may eat 4 pints of Ben and Jerry’s, but that is not going to bring him back. First of all- he was never yours to begin with.

While you think that there may be no hope you, there is. As an outsider you may think your friend will always be hung up, she won’t be. It’s funny how life works because I assure you that as soon as you get into the deepest darkest depths of the relapse phase- “He’s just not that into you” will be playing on E! while Real Housewives of Atlanta is fucking up your Bravo watching and you will snap back into “men are the enemy” phase.

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If you haven’t seen this movie- sorry for giving it away- but go experiment for yourself and prove my theory. Not that you have to- I know it is right.

Just chomping away in the North

A little anecdote to explain how my world gets rocked everyday by these southern gals.

So I’m just sitting in the creek piece (my residence) just chomping away on some Orbit or god knows what. Just chomping chomping chomping. My headphones are on so its not like I can hear a damn thang. I am also aware that I am not in public, so therefore, do not need to demonstrate any sort of social graces.

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This is when my roomie starts to chuckle. And I’m all like I know I’m amusing, but why now?? And she’s all like I don’t chew gum. At this moment, my jaw drops and the gum falls out. Like WHAT?!?! Gum has been my favorite food group since like 5th grade when I realized that garlic is not your friend when trying to score a “boyfriend.” So she goes on to explain that she wasn’t allowed to chew gum as a child and that is very common in the south to not be allowed to chew gum, “unless it is on the roof of your mouth and not going anywhere.” I thought the south wasn’t a nazi regime, but okay. Apparently, it is regarded as very rude and impolite to chew gum publicly (or privately).

It makes a lot of sense when you think about it, but usually you don’t think about it and just chew ya gum. This definitely explains the invention and success of altoids and creepy listerine spray.

This might also explain why northerners tend to be sneaky AF. Northernerz, don’t tell me that your entire K-12 education wasn’t consumed with trying to sneak gum during school without getting caught, that was just embarrassing.

Is there harm in gum chewing??

Is there harm in gum chewing??

Then again, Southerners had to deal with stealing their dad’s moonshine….

For all of you retards, this is how you make moonshine

For all of you retards, this is how you make moonshine

Chach of the Week: Eldrick

And we’re back. This was a big week for chachery across the country as millions upon millions of jabronis filled out, and told you all about, NCAA brackets.  Oh you have VCU, MSU, The U, and IU going to the Final Four? Wow dude, so ballsy of you to arbitrarily pick a bunch of no-name state schools that you’ve never watched play! Every year, it’s the same song and dance.  Regardless, those chumps have not been selected Chach of the Week.  We will stay within the sports world, though.

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Tiger Woods. That’s right, the man got back on the horse, this time shacking up with skier Lindsey Vonn.

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Not bad I guess.  One problem though: Tiger made his announcement in the chahiest way possible, by posting an absurd photo album on his facebook page.  Here are two choice selections for your viewing pleasure.

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Uhhh excuse me dawg? Is this real life?  Do you two even like each other? I cant tell with the nike logo all up im my grill. This is some bizarro world prom picture type shit.

Some immediate questions that come to mind:

1) Is this your back yard?

2) Do either of you have any intention to work out in the near future?

3) Have you realized you’re different colors?

4) Where’d you get those jeans?

5) When’s the last time Lindsey got some UV rays?

6) Have you made out yet?

No matter what the answers to those questions are, this photo shoot made one thing very clear — Tiger Woods is your Chach of the Week.

P.S. You better believe Tiger was refreshing safari like a nerd watching each and every like pour in on these pics.  Poor guy’s a slave to Zuckerfag just like the rest of you.

ET

The Shit I Don’t Like: Part 1

Top 10 things that I currently hate: You can fill in the blanks. I think they are pretty self-explanatory.. but yet again I am the one consumed with hate for them…

1. Department Store sales people (Nordstrom’s shoe department- nuff said)

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2. Facebook- Zuckerfuck

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3. Prom ~or similar functions~

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4. China

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5. Farms (Roadtrips include too many)

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6. Any year after 1999

Everything was better in the 90s

Everything was better in the 90s

7. Duke Basketball (that’s forever though)

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8. Arizona (the entire state)

Like ew

Like ew

9. Chelsea Handler- your books are TMI

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10. Weather below 60 degrees and sunny

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Maybe next week these things will piss me off less.. but probably not. au revoir.

Just smoking some cigs… like its 1980

This is a throw back thursday.. kinda.

It is 2013, there is no reason to be a smoker if you were born after 1985. It seems to me that it is impossible to contract a smoking addiction when it is most likely that your grandparents quit smoking, your parents don’t smoke, and your siblings don’t have a nicotine addiction. Also- those creepy PSAs are too much to handle. It is safe to say that the only people who smoke sober today are recovering heroin addicts who need some sort of addiction to survive. While you may think that this is a cigarette-bashing party… it is not. I am only saying that having a smoking addiction seems rather difficult and that you went out of the way to get emphysema.

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What I am actually trying to say is that smoking is a very social thing and a very socially accepted thing in the south. While it is uncomfortable to watch people smoking on campus between the hours of 7am until 10pm, while out at a party- its all fair game. Cigarettes can foster friendships. Don’t tell me that you don’t feel a little badass when smoking a cig with your new gal pal. Cigarettes can also start relationships. What is a better flirting tactic than bumming a cigarette off a cute boy? I don’t know, nothing.

Pack of Cigarettes

This is one of the reasons that the south can remain part of the United  States. While it is socially unacceptable to smoke in the north, unless you are really a fringe member of society, in the south, smoking is cool, accepted, and appreciated, when out and trying to have a good time. This may be because the Nazi regime (aka the North) has so many taxing on cigarettes that they are ~$10 a pack- ew like 10 packs later and you are out a pair of lululemons. While in the land of the free and the home of the Confederate flag lighters, you can score a pack of cigs for like $5. So casual to just buy a pack before going out. That’s what I’m talking about.

We are all nostalgic about the times when smoking was betchy af and skinny bitches like Betty Draper smoked all day long without the need to eat. Ahhh it was all fun and games until mom winds up in the hospital.

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We are even nostalgic for a more recent time, the 1990s. This is when Carrie Bradshaw ruled New York. The sex was free, the people were cold, and the cigarettes were cheap.

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OMG! She’s my BEST friend

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There are many different degrees of friendship. There’s the oh she’s really cool and we say “Hi!” when we see each other, so I can tell people that she is my friend. Then there’s the ‘we get really fucked up and talk about how we want to be best friends.’ Don’t deny it, we all have “friend crushes,” you know people who you see and just like really want to be their friend. There’s also the we have classes together, talk about schoolwork and ask about our weekends friend. Don’t forget about your old roommate- you will always be “friends” because of that. These are all artificial friendships that are necessary to life- but don’t have any substance.

You all know you have some of these

You all know you have some of these

What is this substance that I am looking for? I don’t mean to say that you need to have hundreds of pseudo-lez-b-honest relationships, but even if someone isn’t your BFFAEAEAE, you still need friends that you can talk to, share your stories with, complain to, and make fun of people with. These people are your FRIENDS and not your BEST FRIEND. You’re supposed to have like only a few best friends, if not only one. A best friend is someone special. Someone that you aren’t embarrassed to tell anything to and someone that can always be honest with you. There is no need to hide your most embarrassing stories from your best friends because a best friend doesn’t judge. I know there are all of those corny sayings like “A good friend will bail you out of jail…. but a BEST FRIEND will be in the cell with you,” but really it is true. And if for some reason your partner in crime isn’t there with you… she’ll make you laugh as she bails you out.

There term best friend is sacred because it means so much. That is why I cannot stand when people claim to have 50 bffs. Like no, you may have been close to her in the past, but you are not best friends. If you use the term best friend lightly then you don’t really know how to be a best friend and you probably don’t have a true best friend.

Winnie doesn't get it...

Winnie doesn’t get it…

There is no shame is knowing that you do not have a best friend. You probably have a really amazing group of friends. One day, when you have a best friend, whether it is your fiancee, co worker, sister, in law, or gym buddy- you will know it and understand why all of your other friends were different.

Lez b honest BFFz

Lez b honest BFFz

Ew, I’m not sure why I am ~~deep~~ af in this post. Guess somethings in life aren’t jokes. HA, just kidding. The purpose of a real best friend is to blow dry your armpits when you get bad pit stains. (It actually works).

BFF tip #1- Test your so-called BFF. If she will pick you up in the morning after you shack, publicly harass a dbag that screwed you over, and make various groups of other girls hate her on your behalf.. then she’s a BFF. If not, she can go fuck herself. Not really- she can still be a friend, but you just need to make sure that you are skinnier than her.

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