The type of liquor that a person chooses to drink is a direct reflection on who they are, where they are going, and what they are thinking at any given moment. Let’s give it a shot, and when I say shot I mean the absolute fact..
Whiskey: You’re definitely trying to be a big dawg, but no one knocks that hustle. You’re just proving to the world that you’re a guys guy. A simple person drinks whiskey because they aren’t trying to be sophisticated. If you’re drinking whiskey you’re aware of who else likes whiskey, and you just don’t care. Whiskey is a great drink, tastes great with some cherry coke zero or some ginger ale. Who doesn’t like someone who can handle jack and jim-bo?
MANY MAN
Scotch: You are most definitely a middle-aged father of daughters or in a terrible marriage. You hate your job, but you can’t get out because you get paid too well and your family is sucking you financially dry. No man would drink scotch unless he hated his life. It is a 50 year old investment bankers way of cutting his own wrists without getting his starched dress shirts stained.
Bourbon: Before you question my knowledge, I know that Bourbon is a type of whiskey and specifically it is the type of whiskey that I mentioned above. My point is that if you say you drink bourbon and not whiskey- you’re being a huge chach. Bourbon and whiskey have become one in the same while drinking scotch has some distinction. So if you say you drink bourbon you’re trying to act like you’re above whiskey- what’s with that?
Vodka: Unoriginal. I drink vodka, but I hate it. It mixes well with everything, but can be compared to tears and vomit. If you just don’t know how to drink and the only thing you can thing of while stealing your parents alcohol is to grab some Stoli- I’m sorry, but you need to make some changes and add some creativity into your life. Vodka does have a betchy side though, vodka sodas with a twist are like no cals (except the vodka, of course) and aren’t very good- so they require great dedication to drink. Also- if you’re a dude drinking vodka, please come out to your family ASAP. Everyone loves and respects open gay people.
“YOLO”
Gin: Gin and Tonic- a fucking classic. I don’t know much that gin can mix with since it tastes like a christmas tree, but I have the utmost respect for someone who orders a G&T. Ordering a Gin and Tonic defines class and will definitely give you street cred. No one ever thought a girl was trying to hang with the boys with her G&T and no one ever questioned a mans sexuality for sipping one. Also- everyone knows that a real martini is made with gin.
Rum: Maybe it is the fact that Bacardi is made in Puerto Rico and most rum is a product of the Caribbean that makes me associate it with minorities or maybe its the image of a minority serving me a frozen Pina Colada on the beach that gives me that impression, either way, I’m going to associate rum with those who are natives of Kingston. Rum and coke is just SO lame. It doesn’t even taste good. Rum has too much sugar and too many high caloric options to be a cool alcohol.
The issue of dark vs. light rum comes into play. I’m going to have to say that both suck, but I may have to say that dark rum is purchased because people actually like it and not because they want to try something other than vodka.
Malibu continues my rum rant (hehe). It is the ultimate fake life fake person thinking they are living the high life. Dude- Malibu may have less alcohol content than beer.
Tequila: If tequila is your drink of choice. You are asking for it. I debated which was more asking for it, doing tequila shots or drinking tequila while you’re out. Both have their arguments. If you do tequila shots, you are definitely asking for a good time and to get wild, but no one does tequila shots alone, so maybe you just want to have fun with your friends. Maybe your BFFs dbag boyfriend broke up with her- that is why you start with a nice tequila shot to get the night going. If tequila is your drink of choice and you order it on the rocks, as a margarita, tequila sunrise etc etc etc, you have literally nothing on your mind than trying to get so out of control that you wouldn’t even mind taking the bar back home when there are no other options.
Cognac: Hennessy is a cognac. Do I need to say much more? I will anyways. This means that really really old white people, who don’t know that Hennessy is for black people, still drink Hennessy, but other than that I’m pretty sure it’s just Katt Williams.
Sorry to all of you Four Loko drinkers. I didn’t have the heart to tell you that if Four Loko was your drink of choice that you need to reevaluate a few things and probably get a job. xx
Da Princess
Zero Guilt 