Month: February 2013

First Team All-Chach

Pretty self-explanatory so let’s get into it…

I present to you ten of the biggest chaches ever to walk God’s green Earth.  Their legacies will live on forever.

Arthur Fonzarelli

jumpthesharkfonzie

The Fonz might have been the coolest dude on Happy Days, but let’s be honest, that’s not saying much.  The quintessential leader of a gay ass crew, he seems like a pretty big chief if you look back at him now.  Wearing a leather jacket to water ski? Okay doe.

 John Travolta (and the rest of Grease)

 john-travolta-bald

Uhhh yo John, nobody believes you’ve really got those locks anymore when we have thousands of Us Weekly pictures of you being a gayball baldo all over LA.  Just own it. You’re rich af. You fly planes. It’s okay to yolo it out and be a 60 year old.

Furthermore, Rydell High, do less. Did kids in the ‘50s really break out into song and dance every time someone got asked to a dance? Maybe, actually. Old people are melvins.

Yoko Ono

 Yoko Ono

Turned John Lennon into a freakshow. Thought she was really hot.  Now she’s old and dresses like a Vietnamese boy on his paper route. You ever see her art work? Yeah, me either. Probably blows.

King George III

 george-iii

He thought he could take us in the Revolution.  We went Samuel Adams all over his ass. That’s chachy enough to make my list every day of the week and twice on Sundays. U-S-A.

Roseanne Barr

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Take a trip over to www.RoseanneWorld.com for all you need to know.  “Insights from the original domestic goddess,” indeed.

Alex Trebek

 alex_trebek_43920

So smug.  He’s never tangoed with the Jeopardy gods himself.  He’s never felt the shame and embarrassment of answering incorrectly.  Does that stop him from being the most condescending game show host in the league? Not for a second.

Rosa Parks

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Kidding. Maybe I’m not though.

Freddie Mercury

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He gave us “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “We Are the Champions.” Plus, a common theme here at CC2C is, if you’re gay, don’t hide it.  Much more respect when you flaunt it.  Freddie here really went overboard, though. Bisexual AIDS all up in our faces. What ever happened to “Fat Bottomed Girls?” Relax Freddie. Oh, and RIP.

Geoffrey Chaucer

Unknown

High school English was lame enough, but this guy wasn’t even speaking our language. What was Canterbury Tales even about? King George probably knew.

John McElroy

 f-102-b

You’re tryna tell me you don’t know this guy? I didn’t either, but a little birdie named Google told me he founded Boston College, which is more than enough for him to round off this list.

I’ll be back next week for a little Throwback Thursday, Chachy style.  Try not to miss me too much.

ET

18.5 MPG

The car you drive says a lot about you. Many say that this is an unfair area to pass judgement in, as many teens/college students cannot control which car their parents buy them (…or they buy themselves..ew). I say that it is fair game because 1.) Are you poor? 2.) You control the lame stickers on your bumper.

Different cars say different things in different places.

Instead of singling out the Infiniti G, I really could have titled this one *guidoz only.* My southern roommate drives a white infiniti and it may possibly be one of the funniest things ever. To your average southerner, an Infiniti may be your average higher-end Japanese car. To a yankee, you wouldn’t see anyone but a Jewish teenage boy AND/OR a 25 year old Italian stallion riding around in this bad boy. Your windows may or may not be tinted and you may or may not have a reflective italian flag car sticker, either way you’re obviously riding dirty.

MAA! Da meatloaf!!

MAA! Da meatloaf!!

Personally, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Honda Civic, but if you are, that’s unfortunate because you’re either on welfare or asian. If you are an asian with a Honda Civic, you probably made it. You keep your calculus books in the front seat and let your homies roll around the back. You might add some DDdankKK speakers that you made in your physics class. You wear your puffy northface and chill with your new rims. This is your freedom. This is your time. You’ll be a burnt out biochem major at Johns Hopkins in a few short years. And in the case that you aren’t azn, you just got a civic with zero downpayment for $99 a month!!!! Happy Birthday! Now let’s start saving for Kommunity Kollege.

Live like everyday is Pi Day

Live like everyday is Pi Day

You drive a Chevy Silverado for one of many reasons, you may wanna transport some chicken, or corn, or maybe you wanna drive around with your surfboard in the bed of your car, maybe you’re tryna get laid, maybe you’re just doing you and driving around with a couple body bags in the back. In the South you drive a pickup truck of any kind if you work on a farm, have a redneck, or say y’all. It is a completely accepted practice to drive around in a pickup truck with 30 trucks stopped at the same light as you. No one has any sort of opinion of you. You are blending. Good, everyone needs a little of that. In the North if you are driving around in a pickup truck you are either my gay boyfriend or a complete psychopath. People who drive pickup trucks in the North are completely lost. They have the wrong job, the wrong outlook, and the wrong lifestyle. Teenage boys (and some girls) become obsessed with the idea of having a truck. In turn they get one for their 16th birthday and look like complete assholes. If you are the average northerner driving around in your Mercedes sedan and you see a pickup truck, you are immediately terrified and switch lanes A$AP rocky style.

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Would a Toyota Land Cruiser be a Toyota Land Cruiser if it wasn’t from 1998? Probably not. If you’re driving a Land Cruiser that was assembled after the year 2004, there is a 94% chance that you are a mother of 3. You can be in the north or south, east or west. You enjoy the simpler things in life like lunch with your friends and your new part-time job at your husbands dental office. If your car became a US citizen before 2000, you’re a southern boy in a fraternity. Your pledges drive you around in it and you drive your shacker home in it at 7:15 on a Sunday morning. Don’t forget your NOLA sticker. Your truck may look like it is about to break down, but it is dependable, just like your fraternity brothers.

****FRAT STAR****

****FRAT STAR****

People have been cruising around in Range Rovers looking for status since the beginning of time (almost). How exciting was it when your daddy bought you a white Range for your 16th birthday? Obviously it has a really cute name like Eddy. You are able to start taking yourself to shop on Rodeo Drive. What about the first time that you and your BFFs went by yourselves to Starbucks and THEN for Jamba Juice. Your Range Rover never broke your heart like that prick Cole and your precious car, Eddy was always there to catch your tears on his saddle leather. What are true friends for? You’ll have to agree that a nice Range Rover has some class, some status, some Louis Vuitton leather seats? These types of Range Rovers are usually Burgundy with Burberry plaid interior fully equipped with a black driver. If you were a black, smart, successful doctor, why would you wanna stoop down to the Escalade level of your rap star counterparts. I like to call you learned with a flair.

L-I-V-I-N

L-I-V-I-N

Da Princess *

States Rights

Where you are born and raised are very important to you, unless you’re one of those people who prides themselves on being a military brat or something that involved moving all over the world and not having a home. You take pride in where you come from and when sharing about your home, you happen to only mention the good things. There is no shame in that game.

I have come to notice that people from the south care first and foremost about being from the south, the entire region. The south has one identity that it shares and portrays it to the entire population. Why do you think that people care so much about the slavery and the SEC? Obviously there are rivalries and you may hate Auburn, but overall you are a SEC fan and don’t care who knows it. Athletics at the college level are all about heart- or at least they are supposed to be. This means that cheering for the SEC in general means that you are just supporting some good ole boys who are making their dreams become a reality. Maybe it is because saying that you are from Birmingham doesn’t get you very far, but saying that you are from the South gives you the strength and history of all of those states. Yes Sherman burned down Atlanta, but I’m from South Carolina and still feel that pain. If someone confused two different states in the south it wouldn’t be a terrible crime because all and all every state is similar and the people know that. Being from the south includes taking responsibility and pride in all dixie states, Y’ALL.

TheSouthWillRiseAgain

There is no solidarity among northern states. If you are from Boston, you think that Boston is the best place in the entire world, you hate New York because they are better at every sport. People from Philly hate NY because the Eagles suck. The mentality of being the best city/state may come from the billion dollar sports franchises- Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are in the same state for crying out loud- but they don’t cheer together so they aren’t friends. I don’t know what it could be, Harriet Tubman didn’t care about getting to Pittsburgh, the poor lady wanted to get to the NORTH. I’m not sure when the North lost its loyalty, but I do think it has something to do with ego. People from the south are laid back and enjoy life while people from the north are always striving to be better than one another. Every family in the south has a family business, brothers are partners in finance and law while in the north the only brothers who work together are 2 Broz Pizza or 17 Brothers Construction and that’s just because they are italian. NYC doesn’t have to band together with bean town to make a name for itself, so it doesn’t and instead attempts to destroy Boston every chance it gets (good riddance).

Confrontational

Who doesn’t love a nice cat fight? A clean social homicide?

Let me pose a question to all of you…

If you had a really terrible roommate, sorority sister, fraternity brother, teammate or classmate who was just doing everything in his/her power to make your life miserable, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?? There are two ways to go about it. I’m not exactly sure what fight or flight is- but I can imagine that it is pretty close to this.

Put em up

Put em up

One way to go about it is to tell the person what is on your mind. Even if it comes out a little aggressive, it is what needs to be done. No one ever changed without knowing they had to, right? For a girl this could mean an aggressive somewhat yelling conversation or a near tears conversation whereas for a boy this could just mean a punch in the face or a threat to do so. This inevitably makes you more angry when the person doesn’t change and you are forced to give them dirty looks, make passing comments, and try to make their existence difficult as well. This includes blatantly cutting them off socially or calling them out every chance you get. You might even stoop to their level, but its okay because it is you.

Your second option is to just avoid the situation…. directly. You can talk about it for 47 years to your mom and closest friends, but you’ll never do anything about it. You may even be sneaky and verbally assault them, but they may never know. While your friend mentioned above looks like a huge bitch, you are just a victim in this persons mission of misery. Instead of complete social combat, a boy would just avoid this other person completely and not include them at all, so it is their own form of social destruction. This second option-er can get mad, but their life is never completely affected. You may talk shit, but your life is in the same place as when your “friend” started their disturbance. No matter how mad you become, at the end of the day you know you can’t control someone from behind a curtain.

I’d go for a cut and dry, north and south divide on this one, but at the end of the day it comes down to the person who you are. Option A definitely has mostly northern tendencies, BUT there are weaklings/potentially smarter candidates in the North too. Option B is totally filled with southern belles and gents who just can’t get their hands dirty, but then there are some southerners who just don’t give a fuck.

Who are you?

The type of liquor that a person chooses to drink is a direct reflection on who they are, where they are going, and what they are thinking at any given moment. Let’s give it a shot, and when I say shot I mean the absolute fact..

Whiskey: You’re definitely trying to be a big dawg, but no one knocks that hustle. You’re just proving to the world that you’re a guys guy. A simple person drinks whiskey because they aren’t trying to be sophisticated. If you’re drinking whiskey you’re aware of who else likes whiskey, and you just don’t care. Whiskey is a great drink, tastes great with some cherry coke zero or some ginger ale. Who doesn’t like someone who can handle jack and jim-bo?

MANY MAN

MANY MAN

Scotch: You are most definitely a middle-aged father of daughters or in a terrible marriage. You hate your job, but you can’t get out because you get paid too well and your family is sucking you financially dry. No man would drink scotch unless he hated his life. It is a 50 year old investment bankers way of cutting his own wrists without getting his starched dress shirts stained.

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Bourbon: Before you question my knowledge, I know that Bourbon is a type of whiskey and specifically it is the type of whiskey that I mentioned above. My point is that if you say you drink bourbon and not whiskey- you’re being a huge chach. Bourbon and whiskey have become one in the same while drinking scotch has some distinction. So if you say you drink bourbon you’re trying to act like you’re above whiskey- what’s with that?

Vodka: Unoriginal. I drink vodka, but I hate it. It mixes well with everything, but can be compared to tears and vomit. If you just don’t know how to drink and the only thing you can thing of while stealing your parents alcohol is to grab some Stoli- I’m sorry, but you need to make some changes and add some creativity into your life. Vodka does have a betchy side though, vodka sodas with a twist are like no cals (except the vodka, of course) and aren’t very good- so they require great dedication to drink. Also- if you’re a dude drinking vodka, please come out to your family ASAP. Everyone loves and respects open gay people.

"YOLO"

“YOLO”

Gin: Gin and Tonic- a fucking classic. I don’t know much that gin can mix with since it tastes like a christmas tree, but I have the utmost respect for someone who orders a G&T. Ordering a Gin and Tonic defines class and will definitely give you street cred. No one ever thought a girl was trying to hang with the boys with her G&T and no one ever questioned a mans sexuality for sipping one.  Also- everyone knows that a real martini is made with gin.

Rum: Maybe it is the fact that Bacardi is made in Puerto Rico and most rum is a product of the Caribbean that makes me associate it with minorities or maybe its the image of a minority serving me a frozen Pina Colada on the beach that gives me that impression, either way, I’m going to associate rum with those who are natives of Kingston. Rum and coke is just SO lame. It doesn’t even taste good. Rum has too much sugar and too many high caloric options to be a cool alcohol.

The issue of dark vs. light rum comes into play. I’m going to have to say that both suck, but I may have to say that dark rum is purchased because people actually like it and not because they want to try something other than vodka.

barbados-mountgay-rum

Malibu continues my rum rant (hehe). It is the ultimate fake life fake person thinking they are living the high life. Dude- Malibu may have less alcohol content than beer.

Tequila: If tequila is your drink of choice. You are asking for it. I debated which was more asking for it, doing tequila shots or drinking tequila while you’re out. Both have their arguments. If you do tequila shots, you are definitely asking for a good time and to get wild, but no one does tequila shots alone, so maybe you just want to have fun with your friends. Maybe your BFFs dbag boyfriend broke up with her- that is why you start with a nice tequila shot to get the night going. If tequila is your drink of choice and you order it on the rocks, as a margarita, tequila sunrise etc etc etc, you have literally nothing on your mind than trying to get so out of control that you wouldn’t even mind taking the bar back home when there are no other options.

Cognac: Hennessy is a cognac. Do I need to say much more? I will anyways. This means that really really old white people, who don’t know that Hennessy is for black people, still drink Hennessy, but other than that I’m pretty sure it’s just Katt Williams.

Hennessy Black Campaign 102

Sorry to all of you Four Loko drinkers. I didn’t have the heart to tell you that if Four Loko was your drink of choice that you need to reevaluate a few things and probably get a job. xx

Da Princess

Guest Post: The Harvard of Boston

Who run the world?

Who run the world?


Ya boi is back.

If you’re ever down in the dumps, there’s a quick an easy way to brighten your day with just a few clicks of the mouse. Get facebook cranking and peruse the profile/photos of any of your fake life friends from that wasteland up on Chestnut Hill known as Boston College. They’re some of the most egregious chaches these two eyes have ever seen. Can’t remember anyone from high school who kicks it at BC? Just think about members of the band and you’ll have more Eagles than you know what to do with. If by some strange chance that’s not enough, crack open your old yearbook, flip past any pages that point towards individuals with any semblance of talent, and settle on something like the Aviation Club.

The fun in this is simple. These worthless nerds who couldn’t get into Georgetown have all become “the man.” You know why? B fucking C that’s why. For some reason these kids think the fact that they got accepted into this second rate institution, which is neither a college nor in Boston, grants them the key to life. It’s really kind of amazing. I guess maybe when you go to BC your past goes out the window. I just picture kids sitting around in the Mods cradling a PBR and waxing on and on about their days starting at shortstop and finishing first in their class. Yeah totally dude. Toss on a SuperFan shirt and you run the world.

Compare and contrast pictures from 2010 to 2013 and it’ll blow your mind. All tallest midget/smartest retard metaphors apply.

So here’s my message: All you BC students, never forget just how mediocre you still are. Rocking a BC sweatshirt out when you go home for break not only isn’t impressing anyone, it’s making them hate you.

Maybe I should do some rankings of the chachiest places to live in America. (Hint: “just outside of Boston” would be a heavy favorite for the top spot.)

ET

1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, More?

Liquor: most people probably shouldn’t be allowed to own and operate a bottle of whiskey. Certain people act legitimately mentally handicap after taking pulls from a bottle of vodka (ew). On the other hand there are many of us out there who know their limits and do great things with a little liquid courage, such as perform for crowds of people who did not know that they were expecting a solo dance act at a party. Can’t knock that hustle.

Thinking about liquor in general, my mind wandered to that sophisticated drink called a shot.

Guess what? Southerners and Northerners do it different, as do men and women.

Southern Men: They will take pulls, shots, or whatever you want them to do with a bottle of liquor. They don’t even have to be drunk to start to go shot for shot with their buddies. They are game all the time. They do this with their friends in good competitive spirit and usually get drunk alone before any girls show up to get the party started with them. These guys probably, most definitely get too fucked up every time, but hey, they handle it like a champ, by getting a girl to go home with them and inevitably clean up their whiskey drenched vomit.

evan-williams-single-barrel-bourbon-2000

Northern Men: They will take pulls, shots, or whatever you want them to do with a bottle of liquor. BUT this is only after they are sufficiently liquored up and are feeling like Superman. I’m not calling northern dudes gay, but I am saying they aren’t as Ride or Die with a full bottle of bourbon as a southern gent would be on a sunday morning at 11. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Northern dudes, when they aren’t trying to drown their sorrows, are usually alongside a female companion doing said shots. Why would they get destroyed alone and not get any recognition for it?

Southern Belles: Damn, they love shots. I’m talking like plain (and/or grape) burnetts straight out of their lilly sorority print shot glass (or wine glass). When a belle decides that she’s “getting blackout” tonight, that would entail her doing an uncomfortable amount of shots of cheap liquor and acting like a drunk mess. I am not ragging on these ladies because I can guarantee you, unless a northern girl is trying to bang every dude in the room, the only girl with a shot of whiskey will be a southern one.

Taste the Rainbow

Taste the Rainbow

Northern ladies: I think that unless a northern betch has a mission, she will try to avoid shots. This does not include the occasional saki bomb at the japanese restaurant or a celebratory tequila shot (or 3)… This doesn’t mean that a girl from the north doesn’t become a slop-fest 2013 every time she goes out, but it does mean that if she graduated high school and doesn’t go to Rutgers, she isn’t pouring shots of raspberry smirinoff into her ed hardy shot glass.

Tequila shot

Stay posted doe because I have a lot to say about the different beverage choices of the men and women of the United States of America (Chach).

Da Princess