Month: January 2013

Themed Parties

Yes, they are SAO KOLLEGE, but everyone had their fair share of themed parties in high school, and whether you want to believe it or not, you’ll have to dress up like a half-fuctioning human at some point in your adult life. (Halloween parties??? kids?)

South: You gotta give them credit, most girls find a way to manage to look hot while dressing up as a grandma. They obtain the bare minimums to be considered whatever it is that they need to be and than they add a bandage skirt and voilà, you’re anything from a dinosaur to Reggie Rocket. The boys on the other hand manage to get really into themes. They dgaf about what they look like- so you’ll be sure to laugh at them (they are all asexuals anyway). It is an awesome mix because no matter how bad the theme is, there are sure to be plenty of hot betches and weird looking dudes.

Mean Gals

North: Northern girls realize that they have 364 days a year to look hot and wear black, so they take the opportunity to go all out when they need to dress up for a themed party, this is unless it’s halloween, in which case girls wear underwear and act like its okay (you’ve ALL been there). Expect masks, long loose clothing, and makeup that is perfect for the occasion (good, bad, or UGLY). Northern men are just really disappointing overall. They think that they are above dressing up. You can count on a northern guy to be dressed up as an “asshole,” a “douche bag,” or really any other name that they are  solely referred to behind their back. There is an exception to the lack of creativity: boys with girlfriends. You may catch them looking like Ken, Bamm Bamm, or Protazoa (along side their super nova girl~*). Many of their single butt-buddies may call them fags or whipped, but I can’t really knock themed-party hustle.

Not that there can really be winners or losers in dressing up like psychopaths, but the south might just do it better.

Da Princess

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Men in Uniform

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a creepshow post because uniforms, with the exception of a birthday suit, do nothing for me, personally. A uniform can include army, mall cop, and basically anyone with a badge, I am going to focus on firefighter and police uniforms that for some reason get people going.

Bridesmaids

South: Maybe they appreciate the simpler things in life better, or maybe they respect anyone that hasn’t done meth for a long enough time to get a job, but I just don’t see the glory in wearing a gross cop suit or better yet, a sweaty gross firefighter jumpsuit. Southerners just eat that shit up. It is probably because in the south men dress so poorly that a uniform is a huge upgrade???? Whatever the reason for the uniform obsession and those in protective occupations, men want to be them and women want to “date” them.

North: Northerners for the most part have their priorities together and just don’t give a shit what you do unless you are bringing home hermes scarves on random Tuesdays, but there are many lost souls in my region of the world. There are some girls who have decided that “men in authority” are sexy and have become groupies. Better for me then because I am trying to reap all of the financial district benefits that I can, for as long as I can with less betches in the way (I am not the only one, trust me).

I have less of a problem with digging dudes in uniform and more of a problem with the fact that the North has become indecisive, which is a sign of weakness. So as a life lesson, pick your convictions and stick by the, no matter what. You will lose a lot of friends, but you don’t need friends when you have an effing backbone.

Da Princess

Restaurant Service

Going out to eat is one of my favorite hobbies. Going to a restaurant is all about the experience. Not having to worry about serving yourself or, god forbid, cooking for yourself. Sometimes going out to dinner is all about the food and sometimes it is about being served- depending on your location.

North: Whether you are at a diner or any restaurant where the waiters aren’t trying to make bank in tips, you’re going to be treated like a second class citizen. Yes, you are annoying for asking for another Diet Coke and no, you cannot have more bread without being charged for it (or charged for bread in general- yes this happened to me at a DINER). If you’re lucky, your server will grace you with some conversation. Don’t worry, you’re not thaaat lucky- they’ll usually be complaining about their 4 children at home and how management is out to get them. And even while they complain to you about their long day on their feet, they throw your food at you. Your food may take 45 minutes to be served, but you won’t get an apology until the waiter asks if you need change. Don’t be too scared to go to dinner in the North because in reality as long as you are buying drinks and spending an uncomfortable amount of money for dinner, you’ll be treated like royalty. That isn’t going to be the case with so many commoners out there, so let me give you a tip or two. You have to find a place that you really like and is convenient (I can only think of a diner) to become a regular at. You will over tip the waiter by a dollar and you will have won their hearts. OR You can just be a baller and spend enough to feed like 8 small African villages.

South: Have you ever felt like a billionaire who is also God’s gift to the world? If you have thought “yes, yes I have” then you my friend have been to a restaurant below the Mason-Dixon line. This even includes Florida, besides Miami (Cubans don’t really give a fuck). But really, people in the south just want you to get your food, enjoy it, and maybe give them a 4% tip that they will thank you way too much for. They refill your drinks, ask you how you are??????, and bring you your food in a pretty timely manner. They may be a little (well, completely) white trash and you may know for a fact that they had their first kid when they were 14, but your food still came out in under 15 minutes, so who are you to judge? Another highlight of Southern-American dining is that there are no illegals serving you or cleaning up after you (unless we are talking Tejas, and that’s a republic and doesn’t count), so really what more could you ask for.

Yummy

***Bonus Footage***

A nice little sub-theme of going out to eat includes drinking at least 12 Diet Cokes. If you are judging me for that sentence then there really is no place for you in this hemisphere. I heard Indians have one Coca-Cola~* a year.

Refills: everyone has them, and only some charge for them.

North: Unless you’re at a chain restaurant such as Applebee’s or Chili’s do not expect to have the Diet Coke flowing like the Nile. You’ll have to ASK for another Diet Coke AND they will charge another $2 for it. While this is fine because I am not on welfare, it’s annoying because I do not want a second of my meal to go by without at least a half filled Diet Coke in front of me. The North really botches this one up. As Adele said, “you could have had it all except free refills.”

South: Have you heard of anyone dying from drinking too much soda? Well I haven’t and even if I did, I’d never care. So “y’all” can keep the Diet Cokes flowing and I’ll keep drinking. This may be the reason that being “trapped” in the South is SO worth it. I do not belong in an insane asylum, I just really like Diet Coke. Don’t tell me that it doesn’t taste good with every single thing you could possibly imagine putting into your mouth. Don’t tell me that you do not want an unlimited Diet Coke fountain in your house. If you’re in the South you’ll just have to settle for a Niagara Falls of Diet Coke in a restaurant.

Da Princess

Spending Money $$

KP

If there is one thing that northerners and southerners act differently about, it is spending money.

North: If you have money you spend it like there’s no tomorrow, if you don’t have the money, you don’t complain, you just don’t participate in spending. It is pretty cut and dry. I have a friend who has money, is not afraid to spend it and spends it because she wants to. Most northerners spend what is in their means or spend like they don’t have means. They may be spending to impress and show off, but they would never talk about their spending. Actions speak louder than words, as they say. Yes, obviously there are a plenty of northerners who are flashy with their money, but they’re called nouveau riche and they’re gross.

South: Whether you have money or not, you act fucking poor. The amount of times I have asked my friends to go out to dinner on a random Tuesday and they have said no because they “don’t want to spend money” is uncomfortable. Not only are you embarrassing yourself, but you are making me very uncomfortable.
So at my school we have a system where you can use your student ID to “swipe” home different purchases you make across campus. This includes food, frat t-shirts, and anything from the bookstore. I try to take full advantage of this system. I swipe home my group fitness classes, school supplies, about 1000 articles of clothing from the bookstore, etc. Last year when passing by a fraternity t-shirt sale, I obviously swiped home the $20 for the stupid t-shirt that I wouldn’t be caught dead in, but the girl I was walking with passed up this opportunity of a lifetime because she “can’t swipe anything home.” Ew, okay my daddy is annoyed every month when he gets the bill, but like that doesn’t stop me.

Bottom line, the north wins this one, but like maybe it is better that those southerners are fiscally responsible? But like probably not.

Da Princess