Going out to eat is one of my favorite hobbies. Going to a restaurant is all about the experience. Not having to worry about serving yourself or, god forbid, cooking for yourself. Sometimes going out to dinner is all about the food and sometimes it is about being served- depending on your location.
North: Whether you are at a diner or any restaurant where the waiters aren’t trying to make bank in tips, you’re going to be treated like a second class citizen. Yes, you are annoying for asking for another Diet Coke and no, you cannot have more bread without being charged for it (or charged for bread in general- yes this happened to me at a DINER). If you’re lucky, your server will grace you with some conversation. Don’t worry, you’re not thaaat lucky- they’ll usually be complaining about their 4 children at home and how management is out to get them. And even while they complain to you about their long day on their feet, they throw your food at you. Your food may take 45 minutes to be served, but you won’t get an apology until the waiter asks if you need change. Don’t be too scared to go to dinner in the North because in reality as long as you are buying drinks and spending an uncomfortable amount of money for dinner, you’ll be treated like royalty. That isn’t going to be the case with so many commoners out there, so let me give you a tip or two. You have to find a place that you really like and is convenient (I can only think of a diner) to become a regular at. You will over tip the waiter by a dollar and you will have won their hearts. OR You can just be a baller and spend enough to feed like 8 small African villages.
South: Have you ever felt like a billionaire who is also God’s gift to the world? If you have thought “yes, yes I have” then you my friend have been to a restaurant below the Mason-Dixon line. This even includes Florida, besides Miami (Cubans don’t really give a fuck). But really, people in the south just want you to get your food, enjoy it, and maybe give them a 4% tip that they will thank you way too much for. They refill your drinks, ask you how you are??????, and bring you your food in a pretty timely manner. They may be a little (well, completely) white trash and you may know for a fact that they had their first kid when they were 14, but your food still came out in under 15 minutes, so who are you to judge? Another highlight of Southern-American dining is that there are no illegals serving you or cleaning up after you (unless we are talking Tejas, and that’s a republic and doesn’t count), so really what more could you ask for.
A nice little sub-theme of going out to eat includes drinking at least 12 Diet Cokes. If you are judging me for that sentence then there really is no place for you in this hemisphere. I heard Indians have one Coca-Cola~* a year.
Refills: everyone has them, and only some charge for them.
North: Unless you’re at a chain restaurant such as Applebee’s or Chili’s do not expect to have the Diet Coke flowing like the Nile. You’ll have to ASK for another Diet Coke AND they will charge another $2 for it. While this is fine because I am not on welfare, it’s annoying because I do not want a second of my meal to go by without at least a half filled Diet Coke in front of me. The North really botches this one up. As Adele said, “you could have had it all except free refills.”
South: Have you heard of anyone dying from drinking too much soda? Well I haven’t and even if I did, I’d never care. So “y’all” can keep the Diet Cokes flowing and I’ll keep drinking. This may be the reason that being “trapped” in the South is SO worth it. I do not belong in an insane asylum, I just really like Diet Coke. Don’t tell me that it doesn’t taste good with every single thing you could possibly imagine putting into your mouth. Don’t tell me that you do not want an unlimited Diet Coke fountain in your house. If you’re in the South you’ll just have to settle for a Niagara Falls of Diet Coke in a restaurant.